Welcome to the sjambok archives.  This is version 2.0 of the sjambok.  Articles from this version are listed immediately below and those from the old version below them.

Nzimande’s BMW Security Threat Assessment Leaked


Student Shocked to Learn Ethnic Doesn’t Mean Black


Athletics South Africa Rejects Mrs Balls Sponsorship Offer


New Microsoft Technology Ends Embarrassing Emails…Forever


Shaik Resurrection Uncovered! 


Rathbone to Take up New Post in SA Foreign Affairs Department


Bheki Cele Revamps SAPS Uniforms


Housewife Pampered on Women’s Day


Mother Struggles to Explain Disco Stick Concept


Intelligence Major Contributor to Global Warming


Carte Blanche Journalist Revealed As Warrior Princess


BMW Release New P Series for Politicians


Swine Flu Now In More Newspapers Than People


Judge Hlope Challenges JSC to Heavyweight Bouts


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Old Archives
Below are popular articles from the old sjambok.  The old sjambok had more than the articles you see below.  To view previous issues from the old sjambok, click on the 'Old Archives' link above.

Nzimande’s BMW Security Threat Assessment Leaked

PRETORIA – The security threat assessment used to justify the purchase of a R1.1 million BMW for Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, has been leaked onto the Internet.  The confidential threat assessment reveals shocking threats to Nzimande’s personal wellbeing.

News of the dangers facing Nzimande spread quickly on Saturday after the assessment was published on the website The Elite Communist.  The assessment provides vindication for the government’s decision to purchase the luxury vehicle as it shows that there are clear and present dangers to the minister from a variety of sources.

The three primary sources of danger were identified as Sith Lords from the Dark Side, Blade Runners from the future, and real communists from the fringes of society.

The Sith Lords, a reptilian race who are powerful exponents of the Dark Side of the Force, were listed as the primary threat to Nzimande.  Sith Lords have the power to control minds and the assessment cites a National Intelligence Agency report that a certain Sith Lord, Darth Viljoen, intends using this power on Nzimande.

Technical experts consulted by the sjambok have been unanimous that R500 000 BMWs simply do not have the engines required to power the anti-mind-control device required by Nzimande for his mental integrity.

The second threat to Nzimande, namely Blade Runners, are a special police unit from the future tasked with killing sophisticated robotic human clones known as ‘replicants’.  While the assessment does not state whether Nzimande is a replicant, it does state that the possibility that the Minister is a replicant “cannot be discounted and therefore all measures must be taken to protect him from Blade Runners.”

Again, technical experts were unanimous that the speed required to get away from Blade Runners, who may come in cars from the future, was simply unattainable in R750 000 BMWs.

The threat by real communists was also considered material to Nzimande since he is ostensibly working for a capitalist government. 

After a considerable search, the sjambok found only one real communist who wished to remain anonymous. 

“Sure, we don’t like Nzimande.  I can tell you that us real communists know that pretend communist leaders driving in R1.1 million BMWs does not look good for the image of real communism.  Real communist leaders represent the people, and the last time I checked, a million Rand BMW is not a people’s car,” the anonymous real communist commented.

A spokesperson for the Department of Higher Education stated that it was happy that the public knew the truth and would realize that it was not just wasting money by buying unnecessarily expensive cars.  The spokesperson did, however, express concern that the threat assessment was leaked and suspected Darth Viljoen to be behind it. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Student Shocked to Learn Ethnic Doesn’t Mean Black

JOHANESSBURG – Joanne Slater, a 21-year old Bachelor of Arts student at the University of the Witwatersrand, was shocked to discover that the word ‘ethnic’ was not a synonym for ‘black’.

Slater, who attended a history class on ethnic cleansing in Bosnia on Thursday, admitted to being confused by her lecturer’s reference to ethnic cleansing in Bosnia since she knew that there were few black people in Bosnia.

“You know these history lecturers”, said Slater, “they’re like high on weed half the time, so when he was talking about ethnic cleansing in Bosnia I was like, whatever!  I just thought he’d been smoking too much before the lecture.  But when I saw everyone else was taking him seriously, I was like totally confused.”

Slater said that as the lecture went on the lecturer showed images of white people being shot and she was forced to take out her new pink MacBook Air and Google the word ‘ethnic’.

“Who would’ve thought that all this time that we all had, like ethnicity and stuff?!  The Webster actually like defined it as ‘belonging to races or nations; based on distinctions of race’.  Well, at least I learnt something from history.”

Friends and family of Slater have reported that she has been correcting their use of the word, and even that of strangers when she hears them using the word incorrectly.  They have, however, noted that Slater was at a loss to provide them with an alternative word.

“So I asked her, what am I supposed to like call, you know ethnic people then?” said Slater’s friend Tiffany.  “She was like, I don’t know.  We can’t say, ‘black’ because that’s like, racist.”

Slater admitted she was stumped for a new word to use but indicated that she had “brainstormed the problem” with her friends and decided just to refer to black people as “them” or “those people” instead. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Athletics South Africa Rejects Mrs Balls Sponsorship Offer

JOHANNESBURG – Athletics South Africa (ASA) has rejected an offer for sponsorship from popular South African brand, Mrs Balls Chutney, following the recent controversy over the gender of 800 metre athlete Caster Semenya.

Speaking at a news conference held after news of the rejection was leaked to the public, ASA spokesperson, Ian Marshall, said that Mrs Balls Chutney did not align with the image ASA wished to project.

“Initially, we were excited by the offer as it was a substantial sponsorship.  Our goal of taking more athletes overseas also seemed to gel well with Mrs Balls Chutney’s goal of breaking into overseas markets.  However, after everything Caster was subjected to, we have decided that gender ambiguity was not good for the ASA brand,” said Marshall.

Marshal said that although Mrs Balls Chutney had “grown up” in South Africa where everybody knew what is was, it was clear that foreign markets may not have been able to get around the juxtaposition of the words ‘Mrs’ and ‘Balls’.

“The last thing we need is the Australian press to bring this up when our athletes make more finals in the future.  We imagine they would most likely accuse ASA of not promoting traditional family values by having ‘Mrs Balls’ emblazoned on the front of athlete’s shirts.”

In a press statement, Unilever, which owns Mrs Balls, said that it respected ASA’s stance on the sponsorship.  Unilever stated further that they would continue their drive to have Mrs Balls penetrate foreign markets.

“We have approached the Australian Rugby Union team.  Our strategy is to leverage the popularity of the team to break into the Australian market.  Our marketing analysts do not envisage any gender issues arising since the team is quite clearly male, yet play like girls against South Africa.  It is a perfect match,” said the statement from Unilever.

No attempt was made by the sjambok to obtain comment from the Australian Rugby Union due to the timing clashes with Australian business hours and business hours at the local shebeen.- The Nuisance Parameter

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New Microsoft Technology Ends Embarrassing Emails…Forever

WASHINGTON – Microsoft have unveiled what they term "the coolest feature for email, since email" in the latest operating system, Windows 7, which will hit shelves later this year.

"Gone are the days of sending an email containing raunchy pictures of your girlfriend and then realising that you accidentally included her on the distribution list", said Malcolm Perry, head of Public Relations in Redmond.

"With the new 'Reply to all and go back a day' button, featuring STR(R)-technology, you can simply reverse time 24 hours and then elect to change the distribution list, or not send the email at all.”

STR, or SpaceTime-Ripping Technology has been under development at Microsoft for over twelve years under strict secrecy.

"We were extremely close to cracking this for almost seven years. We were afraid that even letting our competitors have a sniff of what we were up to might let them make a breakthrough and streak ahead, and we didn't want that," explained Perry.

To further disguise the software giant's true intentions, Microsoft threw red-herrings to the public and its competitors in the form of seemingly brain-dead marketing and product-development directions.

"We've thrown over $1-billion into the X-box, and almost double that into MS-ChickenKing (its ill-fated fast-food subsidiary). That is nothing compared to what we'll make with STR.  We knew no-one gives a crap about a chicken burger that will also do your taxes; it was all a huge bluff and some of our competitors went for it. Do you even know anyone who EVER bought a Google-Dog?”

"STR works by literally folding up and pinching off a piece of space-time in the vicinity of our mail servers. Thus an STR'ed email simply ceases to exist. We achieve this through some highly sophisticated software," Perry explained to the assembled press corps.

The potential uses for STR(R)-Technology are endless: Besides recalling those embarrassing emails, stockbrokers have been very eager to get their hands on beta releases of the new software. Doctor's too can cover up misdiagnoses. Microsoft reports that politicians, lawyers, and radical fundamentalist Islamic groups dominate the pre-order lists that have been piling up at Microsoft's headquarters.

However, not all reaction to STR has been positive, with some scientists and at least one former Microsoft employee saying that the continuous tearing of holes in the space-time continuum could lead to the destruction of the universe. Microsoft has dismissed these claims as "alarmist".

"While it's true that there are slight risks in STR(R)-Technology, we see the potential rewards as outweighing those risks.   In any case, if STR(R) were really that bad, someone from the future would have emailed us about it by now," concluded Perry.

Perry dismissed reports that such emails did, in fact, exist, as "alarmist".

Asked whether the software may lead to a threat to national security, Perry said this was "highly unlikely, and possibly, alarmist". -Cayle Sharrock

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Shaik Resurrection Uncovered!

DURBAN – the sjambok can reveal that convicted fraudster, Schabir Shaik, who was controversially released from prison due to terminal illness, has in fact died and been resurrected.  This follows an extensive investigation by sjambok investigative journalist, Debra Pather.

Shaik, who was convicted of fraud and corruption, in a case that led to then Deputy President Jacob Zuma being dismissed, was controversially granted medical parole in March this year.  The decision to grant Shaik medical parole was made on the basis that he suffered from a terminal illness. 

Sightings of Shaik in and around Durban, which were recently also brought to light by the Democratic Alliance, prompted Pather to investigate Shaik’s mysterious terminal illness that had supposedly ceased to be terminal.

Through anonymous sources, Pather was able to determine that Shaik was diagnosed with the often fatal disease, livingitupis.  According to the death certificate in the possession of the sjambok, Shaik in fact died a week after his release from prison.

Prominent specialist physician and doctor to the stars, Dr Bonga Chiliza, told the sjambok that livingitupis, was very similar to another condition called living that also always resulted in death.

“With the exception that livingitupis is a much quicker disease and kills much faster than simple cases of living,” said Chiliza.

Shaik was confronted by the evidence and granted the sjambok a brief interview in which he confirmed the allegations of his resurrection.

“Yes, I did indeed die and rise to join the living again,” said Shaik.    “I must admit I was confused when I saw Jesus, given that I was raised as a Muslim, but he said he would forgive my heathen ways and that he was definitely for the ANC.”

Shaik explained that Jesus had in fact received a special request from Jacob Zuma through Pastor Ray McCauley, when Zuma campaigned at McCauley’s church.  The request was to return Shaik to the living.

“It was his way of paying me back the R4-million in loans I gave him.  I think we can all agree that life is priceless, so it’s even now.”

The revelation provides a concrete explanation for Shaik’s apparently good health so many months after his release from jail.  It also vindicates the Health Professionals Council of South Africa in clearing doctors of any wrong doing in diagnosing Shaik with a terminal illness.

A Department of Correctional Services spokesperson indicated that since Shaik has died, his sentence is now void, and it will not seek to impose any further parole conditions on him.- The Nuisance Parameter

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Rathbone to Take up New Post in SA Foreign Affairs Department

SYDNEY – Recently retired Australian rugby star and ex-South African, Clyde Rathbone, announced today that he has accepted a position as the Sporting and Cultural Liaison to Australia.  His new role will be in the South African Foreign Affairs Department.

Rathbone retired from all rugby earlier this week after he suffered a fractured eye socket and cheekbone during a club game over the weekend.  The injuries were apparently sustained when he inadvertently uttered the word “Jislaaik” after a ferocious tackle and was set upon by opposition players who mistook him for a real South African.

Speaking from Sydney yesterday, Rathbone confirmed that while he was happy to accept the appointment, he was glad that he did not have to move back to South Africa and live with the South Africans that he had previously classified as “arrogant and narrow-minded”.  Rathbone will be based in Canberra and will work from the South African High Commission there.

Rathbone also confirmed that he would not be required to re-learn the words to the South African national anthem as a requirement for his new position.  He previously claimed to have “forgotten” the words to the anthem upon his arrival in Australia, less than a year after he captained the South Africa Under-21 team to victory in the Under-21 Rugby World Cup in 2002.

When quizzed about the appointment, Foreign Affairs Minister Maite Nkoana-Mashabane commented that South Africans had a long history of forgiving and forgetting.  She added that Rathbone’s experience made him perfect for the new post, which will be in the Department’s new Transformation, Reconciliation And Integration Team Of Representatives (TRAITOR).

Nkoana-Mashabane also noted that Rathbone’s faux Austro-South African accent would be an invaluable asset in cementing closer sporting and cultural ties between South Africa and Australia. - Nightwing

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Bheki Cele Revamps SAPS Uniforms

PRETORIA – Bheki Cele, South Africa’s new police commissioner, has begun his overhaul of the South African Police Service (SAPS) by changing the uniforms of officers.  Cele, who is known for his own brave sense of fashion (click here) and no-nonsense approach to policing has introduced a ‘retro’ touch to the new uniforms.

In a press conference held here on Friday, Cele announced the radical new change in uniform. 

“As I’ve said before, I want to go back to a time when a lady could walk home at night without fear.  Well, at the moment, it’s a little like the Wild West here.  My men have to shoot first and ask questions later just to stay alive.  My new choice in uniform is to let the criminals know there’s a new sheriff in town,” explained Cele.

The commissioner told journalists that the new uniforms were not just to send a message to criminals, but were also to help officers.

“Morale within the service is low and these uniforms are just the thing to make the guys feel better.  It’s common knowledge that when one dresses good, one feels good.  I do.”

Cele, together with models from the SAPS, unveiled the new uniforms, which have a distinctly cowboy-type look (click here to see the uniform).

“Some members in the New Uniform Task Team this uniform as being ‘old fashioned’, so I’m aware that perception exists.  But, those were times when criminals feared the law!”

At the press conference the commissioner also revealed plans to increase the number of policemen and women on horse patrol to ensure better access to hard-to-reach areas and have a more “imposing police presence”.
Cele also told journalists that the New Weapons Sub-Committee had completed its draft report.  While the recommendations were yet to be ratified, Cele indicated there would be bold changes.

Six-shooter revolvers would likely replace pistols “which were prone to jamming” and cavalry swords would replace batons that have had “almost no effect as a deterrent”.   Flying squad cars would also be fitted with Gatling guns in a move specifically targeted at heavily armed cash-in-transit robbers.

Political parties were slow to comment on the new uniforms, with the exception of the Freedom Front Plus, which described them as “a little gay”. 

A spokesperson for Gun Free South Africa expressed dismay at the increase in “aggressive tone” from SAPS leadership and appealed to Cele to “just like use more dialogue and stuff when dealing with violent crime”.- The Nuisance Parameter

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Housewife Pampered on Women’s Day

JOHANESSBURG – Tanya Robberts, a housewife from Sandton, reported being pampered and being made to feel “extra-special” on National Women’s Day on Sunday.

Robberts, 32, a mother of two children, and wife to Chris, an electronic engineer, spoke to the sjambok in an exclusive interview at her home late on Sunday evening. 

“Chris really made me feel special today,” said Robberts.  “He said I didn’t have to cook today and I even got to choose the restaurant we went to instead.  And, to top it off, he even let me buy those shoes I’ve been asking him for since March!”

Questioned about the reason for the holiday, Robberts indicated that it was clearly meant as a day for men throughout the country to pamper their women.  When told about the Womens March to end the Apartheid Pass Laws in 1956, Robberts said she didn’t know about the march.

“They must have achieved something.  I mean, I felt so empowered today.  I don’t think men would have let their wives choose the restaurant and stuff if it wasn’t for those women marchers.”

Robberts did, however, express reservations about the wisdom of the 1956 march. 

“I’m not so sure it was a good idea.  You know, marches can become dangerous.  They should have rather complained to their husbands and got their husbands to march.”

Roberts cut short the late night interview shortly afterwards as she said she had to get razor blades for her husband from the garage convenience store.- The Nuisance Parameter

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Mother Struggles to Explain Disco Stick Concept

PRETORIA – Chantal Fourie, mother of two, struggled to explain the concept of a ‘disco stick’ to her seven-year old son, Ben, on Tuesday.  Ben reportedly came across the concept from Lady Gaga’s song Love Game, which he had heard on the radio.

Fourie, who was raised in the conservative town of Kroonstad, in the Free State, said she was taken by surprise when her son asked her the question. 

“You know, I was just concentrating on getting the cucumber slices exactly the same thickness, so I didn’t have my thinking cap on when he asked me,” said Fourie.

“I usually just tell him to ask his dad, but his dad was away on business so I got flustered and told him it was like a cricket bat.”

The questions from Ben, however, did not end there as he was determined to understand the catchy song, which has been given much airplay by radio stations recently.  Ben proceeded to ask why she [Lady Gaga] wanted to play with a disco stick if her beat was sick, “doesn’t she know it’s bad to play when you’re sick?”

“The questions kept coming,” said a visibly shaken Fourie.  “He wanted to know how Lady Gaga could be educated in sex if sex was a pudding.  It didn’t make sense to him because his father told him sex was a pudding after he overheard, ummm, someone on TV ask for sex over dinner.”

“He asked me why she doesn’t just buy some sex from Woolworths if she wanted it so badly?  I told him buying sex was wrong and it was a sin against God.”

In a subsequent telephone interview with little Ben, he indicated  that he “thinks Mom is lying because dad says Uncle Eric buys sex and Uncle Eric is a pastor, he would never do sins”.

Ben also expressed doubt that a disco stick was like a cricket bat, but thought it “must be like mom’s vibrating Jedi sword that she always takes out when dad says he wants to play games.”- The Nuisance Parameter

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Intelligence Major Contributor to Global Warming

NEW YORK - Stop thinking! This is the message from American researchers who have identified brain power as a major contributor to global warming.

"In the 14th century, the average human being was about as bright as a pair of boots, and the average temperature was about 3°C cooler than it is today," said Jeff Morone, a landscape artist at Carnegie Melon University in Pittsburgh, Ohio and Chief Researcher in the study.

"Today the average American IQ has increased to 95 and this relentless increase shows no signs of abating.  Brighter Americans and warmer climates.  Coincidence? I don't think so. In fact, by playing my part in securing the future for our children, I do as little thinking as possible."

"The fact is that intelligent people produce more heat by thinking more, thus greatly reducing the chances of survival for the rest of us. We must take drastic action and we must take it now," explained Marone.

"We, the American nation can be extremely proud  because research has shown that we are the dumbest nation on earth. In fact we produce only 5% of the world's brainwave radiation and the vast majority of that is created by foreigners." Morone attributed this conclusion to the runaway success of shows like ‘How Clean is Your House’ and ‘Newlyweds’ in the U.S.

"It's those gluttonously smart Chinese, Japanese and Eastern Europeans that are killing us," he continues, "Those intellectual pigs must be stopped."

Morone fell short of suggesting complete genocide of the aforesaid ethnic groups but did suggest full-scale invasion "for the good of the planet as a whole".

Morone's plan to save mankind also includes a blanket moratorium on any research into "divergent indulgences" such as physics and chemistry.

"These fields have never produced anything of value for humanity. They are merely a convenient pretense to remove socially dysfunctional individuals from society," said Morone.

By culling engineering research, Morone hopes to kill two birds with one stone.
"Engineers are also extremely bright and therefore dangerous people. In addition, they tend only to produce greenhouse gas belching factories and cars. By preventing them from using their minds, we could turn this situation around, and return to pre-industrial temperature levels."

When accused of being a deranged idiot, Morone beamed and said, "I hope so, sir. For the sake of my children, I hope so". - Cayle Sharrock

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Carte Blanche Journalist Revealed As Warrior Princess

JOHANESSBURG – Carte Blanche staff were shocked on Saturday as investigative journalist, Devi Sankaree Govender, revealed herself as a warrior princess from the planet Morsidia.  Sankaree Govender exposed her true form when an investigation into vehicle hijacking turned violent on Saturday.

Cameraman, Alex Nkabinde, still visibly shaken, recalled the incident:  “We were going to confront the kingpin of a hijacking syndicate about his involvement in a series of car hijackings.  We had hidden camera footage, the works.  We were walking up his driveway when eight of his henchman ambushed us with pangas, clubs and an AK-47.  I thought it was all over.”

At was at this point Sankaree Govender, the diminutive and fearless journalist from Durban, decided to transform into her natural form. 

“The first guy with the panga got to me before I knew it.  He had it over my head and was about to kill me when Devi just screamed.  I mean it was not scream of fear.  It was like a war cry.  Everyone stopped for a second, even the guy with the panga over my head.  Then she transformed.  Just like that!” said Nkabinde.

According to Nkabinde and other witnesses, Sankaree Govender then suddenly grew taller, became fairer and was holding a large, sword-type weapon.  Her clothes also changed into a revealing white two-piece outfit.  the sjambok managed to obtain an earlier photo of Sankaree Govender in her true form from an anonymous source (click here).

Sankaree Govender reportedly beheaded the panga-wielding man threatening Nkabinde by throwing her sword at him, before somersaulting over another man and ripping the AK-47 from the lone gunman.  She then allegedly used the butt of the AK-47 and her bare hands to kill the remaining attackers.

“What really shocked us,” said Nkabinde, “was that she then calmly picked up that guy’s head, took the camera from me, and walked into the kingpin’s house.  I followed her into the house.  She went up to the man, put the head on the table in front of him and said, ‘confess your sins’.  The man told us everything he did wrong from the time he was teenager.”

The Carte Blanche staff interviewed indicated that they had always wondered where Sankaree Govender had got her courage and tenacity from, but now knew.

Derek Watts, presenter of the show, told the sjambok in an exclusive interview that Sankaree Govender was summoned to Earth by erstwhile presenter, Ruda Landman, who in fact, was a female wizard with great powers.  Watts said that after many years, Landman had entrusted him with this knowledge and an illustration of her real self (click here). 

“Since the secret is out, there’s no point in pretending anymore.  How do you think M-NET came up with the slogan ‘where magic lives’?” asked Watts.

Sankaree Govender denied requests for an interview, instead saying she would clarify everything soon at a press conference “at the hill where the Tree of Knowledge meets the River of Life” [presumably Reservoir Hills in Durban – Editor]. - The Nuisance Parameter

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BMW Release New P Series for Politicians

CAPE TOWN – BMW South Africa announced at a press briefing here that they will soon be a launching a dedicated line of vehicles, known as the P Series, for politicians in South Africa.

BMW spokesperson, Christian Bauer, told journalists that market research had indicated that politicians, and cabinet ministers in particular, were an important component of the BMW market in South Africa.

“People look up to politicians as role models.  When they see politicians driving BMWs, they too aspire to own and drive BMWs.  Therefore, being an up-market, luxury car, the BMW befits the status of politicians as representatives of the people’s aspirations,” said Bauer.

The new P Series will cater specifically for the needs of the political elite in South Africa and will have the following features as standard fare: rear-seat entertainment, high-gloss satin chrome finish, rear-view camera, adaptive headlights, lane departure warning, and lane change warning.  It will only be available in high-end models in the BMW range.

The key innovative feature of the P Series, however, explained Bauer, is that BMW have encompassed it into their corporate social responsibility programme.

“We at BMW SA recognize that South Africa is a developing nation.  In these current times of recession and job-losses, investing in a R1-million Rand plus BMW can, maybe, perhaps, be seen as a slightly expensive exercise.  We have therefore discounted the cost of floor mats, key rings and cup-holders from the price of the cars.  These will be free the P Series!” proclaimed Bauer.

DA representative, Iwa Ntsometoo, slammed the move by BMW, calling it “nothing more than a PR exercise”.  Off the record Ntsometoo expressed dismay at the lack of a 3-Series model as “I would’ve loved to take the P in a 3-Series”.

The ANC congratulated BMW, saying it was time that vehicle manufacturers granted discounts to the people.  An ANC spokesperson also rejected criticism of the P Series as being excessive by pointing out that the high-cost of the vehicles was within the guidelines for ministers, and therefore completely justifiable under any and all circumstances. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Swine Flu Now In More Newspapers Than People

PIETERMARITZBURG – Researchers at the little known Howick Institute of General Health (HIGH) in the KwaZulu-Natal midlands have discovered that the H1N1 or Swine Flu virus has now been confirmed in more newspapers globally than people.

Senior research scientist Joe Donalds said that his team at HIGH had conducted a study of a large sample of newspapers around the world and confirmed articles on Swine Flu in most of the newspapers. 

“Given the distribution of these newspapers, we extrapolated those figures to determine the number of cases of Swine Flu in newspapers.  We were shocked when we realized the number was far more than the number of confirmed Swine Flu cases in people”, said Donalds.

During his interview with the sjambok at the Keg and Pig in Howick, Donalds suggested that the Swine Flu pandemic was not as dangerous as initially estimated by his “more illustrious colleagues at the World Health Organisation (WHO) and Centre for Disease Control (CDC)”.

“They can’t turn around now and say ‘Oh, yeah, so it wasn’t as bad as we thought it would be, it is just like any other flu’.  They can’t do that after they got the whole world in a tizz.  Do you want another beer?  In any event, it’s not like the pharmaceutical and media companies are complaining, they’re making millions off this”, Donalds explained.

Despite repeated requests for comment, the WHO refused to give any comment over the phone, instead, the spokesperson repeatedly questioned if the sjambok journalist was high.  The CDC initially agreed to an interview but the sjambok was subsequently requested to “piss off”. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Judge Hlope Challenges JSC to Heavyweight Bouts

JOHANESSBURG – Western Cape Judge President John Hlophe has challenged Judicial Services Commission (JSC) members to a series of heavyweight boxing matches in an effort to resolve his legal woes with the commission.  

The JSC will soon hear accusations by Constitutional Court judges that Hlope attempted to interfere in the case involving President Jacob Zuma.  Hlope has also accepted a nomination for the position of Chief Justice of the Constitutional Court.

At a press conference in Johannesburg on Monday Hlope told journalists that the JSC hearing was taking too long and also prejudicing his chances at becoming the country’s Chief Justice.

“It’s time to transform the judiciary and the Western justice we dispense in this country”, said Hlope.  “The system takes too long, so we need to speed the system up.  My solution is quick and easy.  The JSC should select four members to face me.  I’ll take any comers.  I am the greatest!”

Hlope explained that if he lost to any one of his opponents he would accept guilt, however, in the event that he won all of his fights, the JSC should find him innocent of the charges.  Each match would consist of three rounds and would be judged by a panel of “kind of neutral judges”.

“Once this thing is out of the way, I will be clear to become Chief Justice, because, let’s face it, I am the greatest!  I’m going to float like a Transformer and sting like a BEE!” proclaimed Hlope.

In a response to a question about his unusual defense strategy Hlope indicated that his original strategy was to be sick and stall the JSC hearing until President Zuma made him Chief Justice.  He said that this strategy did not work because his doctor was “too concerned with following the letter of the law than doing what was best for me.”    

A Justice for Hlope Alliance spokesperson has stated that Hlope’s suggestion has once again highlighted Hlope’s brilliance as it was far more transparent than the closed hearing the JSC wanted to hold.  It dubbed the matches as the “Thrilla on the Constitutional Hilla.” - The Nuisance Parameter

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