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the sjambok - South African Satire

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South African Satire

Issue 9,  May 2004   [Subscribe]



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Satan Lauds Computer Industry

satanS.jpg (2485 bytes)CALIFORNIA – Satan, the Prince of Evil, cunningly disguised as a delegate at an information technology conference, expressed his delight at the opportunities the computer industry had created for the spread of evil. He said the industry had “taken the torch of ‘profit through the ignorance of others’ from the motor repair industry and gone further than anyone could have imagined.”

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Reiki Practioners In Bid To Heal The World

reikiS.jpg (2218 bytes)JOHANNESBURG – A group of approximately twenty-five people will make an ambitious bid to rid the world of all evil, suffering and bad luck this Sunday. The group, known as The Healing Hands, will attempt to use the ancient healing art of Reiki to accomplish the feat.

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What If?

...David Beckham had taken up darts instead of football?

  • Becks marries massive pop-starlet and winner of Idols, Michelle McManus to become one of the UK's most talked about celebrity couples.
  • Dozens of waitresses from the Manchester area claim to have slepts with Becks.
  • Thousands of darts fanatics get weekly armpit-hair styling to match that of their hero's
  • A Box-Office hit movie gets released about a young indian girl dreaming of hitting the big dart leagues of London called, "Peg it like Beckham."

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Rumsfeld Had Fingers Crossed

WASHINGTON D.C – A video recording of the Senate Armed Services committee hearing has shown that U.S Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, had his fingers crossed for the duration of the hearing. This evidence has cast new doubts on the veracity of Rumsfeld’s testimony, including his apology to Iraqi prisoners that were abused by U.S military personnel.

The video, taken by a security camera installed in the building after 9/11, clearly shows Rumsfeld’s hand under the table with his fingers crossed. Opponents of Rumsfeld’s views on the war in Iraq have used the video to further back up their claims that Rumsfeld is frequently less than honest with his countrymen.

At a press conference yesterday Rumsfeld questioned the authenticity of the video, but, at the same time, he did not deny its accuracy. “This video could easily have been manufactured by those who hate our freedoms and human rights. Although I should add that I sometimes cross my fingers for good luck when I have to answer questions from senators. They can be quite tough.”

Snakes and Ladders SA Berates Media

PORT ELIZABETH – Snakes and Ladders South Africa (SLSA), the official body representing competitive snakes and ladders players in South Africa, complained on Friday that their bid for the Snakes and Ladders World Cup was not receiving support from the media.

“All you see and hear in the media is about the Soccer World Cup in 2010. The Snakes and Ladders World Cup will be in 2006 but I’ve yet to see even one newspaper report publicising our bid. I know snakes and ladders is not a mainstream sport, but it is played in even more countries than soccer. To have it here in Port Elizabeth would be a massive boost for the local economy”, said SLSA bid chairman Jake ‘The Snake’ Chiliza.

Chiliza has invited the media to the launch of the new ‘Super 7’ snakes and ladders competition on Saturday, which is aimed at making the game more exciting by using a new seven-sided dice and some “pretty crazy combinations of snakes and ladders.”

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