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South African Satire

Issue 7,  April 2004   [Subscribe]

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Palestinians, Israelis Compare Kill Ratios

f16S.jpg (2927 bytes)GAZA – Operatives from Hamas, al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Shin Bet and the Israeli Defence Force met in an Internet chat-room on Tuesday in a secret meeting to compare the guilty-innocent kill ratios of their respective operations. The meeting came about when Hamas leaders engaged the Israeli authorities in an anonymous e-mail debate over who had killed more innocent people.
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Bottom Story

New Study Finds Drugs "pretty fucking cool"

drugsS.jpg (3983 bytes)GRAHAMSTOWN - Flying in the face of conventional wisdom that drugs are bad, drugs kill and that only losers take drugs, a new study at Rhodes University has found that drugs are in fact, "pretty fucking cool". This came during a trial-run of extended marijuana smoking between chief researchers and participants of the study, Graeme Wilcox and Steven Naude. Read More>>

What If ?

...fate had led George W Bush to become President of South Africa ?

  • The minister of health would be fired because the president can't pronounce "Tshabalala-Msimang."
  • Foreign policy would change to pander to the needs of acne-ridden teenagers, since they're the only oil producers in the country.
  • SA would invade Zimbabwe because "Mugabe's moustache makes him look like Hitler."
  • Botswana would be referred to as "our friends in the South."

Suggest your own "What If"!  (you will be credited for it)

Other Articles

Girl Finds Sex Good, But Not Great

VEREENIGING - After weeks of begging from her hormone-ravaged boyfriend to "commit their love to each other", Samantha Arendse, 17, finally acquiesced to sexual intercourse while getting take-out at the McDonald's drive-through on Voortrekker Street. According to onlookers, the couple consummated their relationship on the back seat of Arendse's mother's 1994 Citi Golf.

"There were a few false starts, but after a few encouraging hoots from other cars in the queue, things were on track and the whole things was over before their Big Mac meals were hanging outside the Collect Window", said one employee who preferred not to be named.

Speaking afterwards from the passenger seat and slurping intermittently from her Super-sized Vanilla Coke, Samantha said, "I expected it like, to be like, better you know? I mean it was okay, but it definitely wasn't great. It was over pretty quickly and nobody mentioned anything about the mess afterwards. That's pretty gross."

On her "Top 10 list of like, coolest things", she ranked sex above shopping (except for shoes) but below talking on the phone with her best friend and wearing short skirts at nightclubs.



Election Court Dismisses IFP Motion in Summary Judgement.

JOHANNESSBURG – The special Election Court set up to hear the IFP’s motion contesting the fairness of the elections in KwaZulu-Natal rejected the motion and passed summary judgement to that effect on the first day of the trial here.

Judge Kenneth Mthiyane, who heads up the panel of judges and attorneys presiding over the court, stopped the proceedings after hearing the opening argument of the IFP’s advocate. “Look counsel, life is not fair, so what’s your point? I don’t think we really need to go any further do we?”

The other presiding officers of the court agreed with his opinion. “All I have to say is ‘vasbyt!’”, said attorney Susan Abro. Judge Thumba Pillay concurred when he told counsel for the IFP to “tell your client to just suck it up.” Attorney Saloshna Moodley was a little harsher in her judgement: “You people sound like my whining teenage daughter. You lost. Tough Luck. Just deal with it!”

The IFP filed a motion to appeal against the judgement immediately after the brief trial. The motion, however, is not expected to go far as the Clerk of the Court was seen using it to wipe a coffee spill on his desk.



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