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South African Satire

Issue 6,  April 2004   [Subscribe]

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Vote Counting Joke Leads To Homicide

iecS.gif (7888 bytes)CAPE TOWN – An innocent joke by a bored junior Independent Electoral Commission (IEC) volunteer led to a vicious homicide on Election Day. IEC volunteer, Cameron James, known for his jovial spirit and practical jokes, pushed his colleagues too far when he constantly shouted out random numbers during the vote count, forcing them to re-count three times. 
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Bottom Story

Gummi Bears No Longer Bouncing Here, There, Or Anywhere

gummiS.gif (7965 bytes)GUMMI GLEN – The loveable bears whose high adventures were beyond compare will no longer be fighting the forces of the evil Duke Igthorn of Drekmore. Instead they will be battling their medical aid schemes for access to chronic medication to treat the symptoms of many years of steroid abuse.. 

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What If ?

...the DA won the General Elections?

Through the use of incredibly advanced simulation and modelling software, the sjambok has unveiled the nightmarish scenario of what life would be like had the DA won the elections:

  • Government continually admonishes official opposition for being petty and playing the 'race card'.
  • Opposition parties bemoan government for not tackling the core issues of crime and unemployment.
  • Widespread defection of party members from the opposition towards ruling party.
  • Government forms shady alliances with former apartheid regime parties to entrench power.
  • Despite improved tax revenue collection and better fiscal management, poverty continues to spiral while parliamentary debate rages on about the legitimacy of a presidential yacht.
  • The R48-bn arms deal is scrapped in favour of a newer, shinier R75-bn arms deal. And an M3.

Suggest your own "What If"!  (you will be credited for it)

Other Articles

Consultant Uses Her Breasts To Extend Deadlines

DURBAN – Consultant, Anneline Smith, has reportedly been making frequent use of her size 32C breasts, Wonderbras, and low cut tops to extend her team’s project deadlines.

Ms Smith, although not her team leader, has apparently been scheduling ‘extension meetings’, as her team calls them, with her manager whenever her team has been late on a project deadline.

“I just go in wearing my ‘extension clothes’”, said Smith. “And I make sure I never sit down but lean over the desk to lay down all the issues in the project. That approach hasn’t failed me yet.”

Mr Raymond Rogers, Smith’s manager, told the sjambok that her team has suffered a horrible run of bad luck, resulting in their last five projects running late and 15% over budget.

Rogers also went further to say: “But bru, off the record? That chick has the greatest pair of tits I have ever seen! They’re mesmerising. How can I say no? It’s not like we won’t build that 15% into the cost somewhere else.”


Easter Bunny Claims Responsibility For Low Death Toll

JOHANNESBURG – The Easter Bunny held a press conference here on Tuesday to refute claims that increased driver responsibility was responsible for the lower death toll in traffic-related accidents over the Easter weekend.

eBunny.gif (26724 bytes)“The Arrive Alive lady said it was thanks to the drivers. Bullshit!” said a livid Easter Bunny. “Everyone knows that South Africans can’t drive to save their lives. Umm, excuse the pun. The only reason there were less accidents is because the KZN Minister of Transport, Sbu Ndebele, invoked my name at one of his meetings. He said ‘The Easter Bunny better help us out otherwise everyone will just blame the ANC for the deaths.’ I’m a nice guy, so I helped out. That is the only reason more people haven’t died this Easter. Look, obviously I couldn’t stop all the accidents. I mean I can’t be everywhere at once.”

An Arrive Alive spokesperson said that they could not independently verify that Easter Bunny’s claims were true. Minister Ndebele, however, said that his ANC-led department should be credited for its creative thinking in solving road safety problems. He also said that the Easter Bunny’s involvement proved that even the legendary bunny was an ANC supporter.

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