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Predicts Own Death
JOHANNESBURG - "I'm going to get my money back, or die trying". These were the
prophetic last words of Eric Martins of Rosettenville, Johannesburg on Tuesday, when he
was run over by the 33B bus when trying to return a pair of sneakers to his local Edgars.
Leon Recovers From Stress
JOHANNESBURG Democratic Alliance (DA) leader Tony Leon is
reportedly recovering from a severe bout of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
following his recent election road show. Hospital sources said that the stress of being
around so many non-whites had finally caught up with the DA leader.
Black Eyed Pea Actually Gets Retarded
NEW YORK wil.i.am, lead rapper of the group the Black Eyed Peas, famous for its hit
Lets Get Retarded, was involved in a motor vehicle accident on Saturday.
wil.i.am was driving home from a party when a drunken driver smashed into his vehicle. He
sustained serious head injuries that left him retarded. His future with the group may now
be in jeopardy.
Fellow group member, apl.de.ap, speaking on behalf of the group, said they were all
devastated by the accident. Its been a terrible shock to us all. wil.i.am was
such a vibrant, engaging person. Now hes all fucked up. He cant even make
proper sentences and hes obsessed with finding the love. He moves everything, looks
everywhere and keeps asking everyone where is the love?
apl.de.ap said that the group would no longer be performing the hit Lets Get
Retarded because they werent sure if it was appropriate.
Local Youth Completes Transformation to American
With the last traces of his private school accent replaced by a weak American one,
Joseph Msomi completed his transformation to an urban American youth. Msomi is now known
as J-Dog by his friends, or niggaz, as he likes to call them.
When questioned about the reasons behind the drastic change by cousins at a recent family
reunion at his Sandton home, J-Dog said he was just keeping it real. Prompted
for further reasons by a confused cousin, J-Dog became adversarial: Yo why you
always gotsta be trippin dog? Im just a nigga tryin to make it in the hood. If
you gotta problem with the bling bling and my phat ride we can take it to the streets,
J-Dogs father, the CEO of a major black empowerment group and former black
consciousness activist, declined to comment. His mother, however, reportedly told many
relatives at the reunion that she was trying desperately to stop J-Dog from addressing his
sister, the maid and female visitors as bitch.