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ROSETTENVILLE, JOHANNESBURG - "I'm going to get my money back, or die trying". These were the prophetic last words of Eric Martins of Rosettenville, Johannesburg on Tuesday, when he was run over by the 33B bus when trying to return a pair of sneakers to his local Edgars.

Leon Recovers From Stress Disorder

JOHANNESBURG – Democratic Alliance (DA) leader Tony Leon is reportedly recovering from a severe bout of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following his recent election road show. Hospital sources said that the stress of being around so many non-whites had finally caught up with the DA leader.
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Black Eyed Pea Actually Gets Retarded

NEW YORK– wil.i.am, lead rapper of the group the Black Eyed Peas, famous for its hit “Let’s Get Retarded”, was involved in a motor vehicle accident on Saturday. wil.i.am was driving home from a party when a drunken driver smashed into his vehicle. He sustained serious head injuries that left him retarded. His future with the group may now be in jeopardy.

Fellow group member, apl.de.ap, speaking on behalf of the group, said they were all devastated by the accident. “It’s been a terrible shock to us all. wil.i.am was such a vibrant, engaging person. Now he’s all fucked up. He can’t even make proper sentences and he’s obsessed with finding the love. He moves everything, looks everywhere and keeps asking everyone ‘where is the love?’”

apl.de.ap said that the group would no longer be performing the hit “Let’s Get Retarded” because they weren’t sure if it was appropriate.

Local Youth Completes Transformation to American Youth

JOHANNESBURG – With the last traces of his private school accent replaced by a weak American one, Joseph Msomi completed his transformation to an urban American youth. Msomi is now known as J-Dog by his friends, or “niggaz”, as he likes to call them.

When questioned about the reasons behind the drastic change by cousins at a recent family reunion at his Sandton home, J-Dog said he was “just keeping it real.” Prompted for further reasons by a confused cousin, J-Dog became adversarial: “Yo why you always gotsta be trippin’ dog? I’m just a nigga tryin to make it in the hood. If you gotta problem with the bling bling and my phat ride we can take it to the streets, motherfucker!”

J-Dog’s father, the CEO of a major black empowerment group and former black consciousness activist, declined to comment. His mother, however, reportedly told many relatives at the reunion that she was trying desperately to stop J-Dog from addressing his sister, the maid and female visitors as “bitch”.