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the sjambok - South African Satire

 

Not for under 18's or the easily offended!

A sort of monthly dose of humour.

South African Satire

Issue 20,  April 2006   [Subscribe]

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Microsoft To Introduce DNA Registration

gatesS.jpg (2632 bytes)HOUSTON, TEXAS – In its latest move to stamp out rampant piracy of its ubiquitous operating system, Microsoft unveiled their new registration policy at a computer expo in Houston, Texas, on Monday.  Billed as BioNanoReg(R) Technology, this new method successfully merges two of the biggest buzzwords in hi-tech marketing, ensuring its rapid and unquestioning acceptance by the consuming public.


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Bottom Story

Reality Reality TV Kicks Off

pimpS.jpg (3666 bytes)NEW YORK - In the late 90's, Reality TV changed the way we thought about TV. Now, Reality Reality TV is set to redefine how we perceive Reality TV.   "Reality TV is in a bit of a slump", said ABC's Programming Manager, Jerry Ruth. "Survivor XIV was a bomb, and our latest fall line-up is not doing well in the focus groups."

 

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Agony Recce

Confused about life? Relationship or career not working out?   At the sjambok we offer real South Afican advice by real South Africans. In this case, our Recce Commando will help you out - just mail him at agony@sjambok.co.za.   We will answer as many questions as possible right here.  (For those of you who don't know, a recce commando is a South African soldier much like a navy seal or SAS commando, only better)

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Other Articles

Zuma patents AIDS-removal shower technique

JOHANNESBURG – Former deputy president Jacob Zuma announced at a press conference on Wednesday that he had “stolen a march on AIDS researchers and vaccine trials worldwide”. Zuma was referring to the registration of a patent for an AIDS-removal shower technique he had successfully applied for.

“I will be releasing a DVD in which the technique will be demonstrated. I have engaged the services of Narend Singh to act in the shower scene due to his popularity in a recently released DVD”, said Zuma.

Zuma said that he was sure that taking a shower using his patented technique would do more to combat AIDS than the use of condoms. “Let’s face it, we’ve been trying to get people to use condoms for ages and it just doesn’t work. When you need to do it, you need to do it now! Not in the five minutes it might take you to get a condom”.

A spokesperson for Zuma said that he will be marketing the DVD together with the Rath Foundation, who have pioneered anti-AIDS vitamins.

“If you take vitamins before and shower afterwards you’re basically bulletproof “, said the spokesperson.


Plane Crashes As Raindrops Turn To Jelly Tots

JOHANNESBURG – 154 people were left dead in Johannesburg when the plane they were traveling in crashed in a brief shower of Jelly Tots yesterday. The phenomenon, which has left meteorologists perplexed, resulted in the crash of EgyptAir flight E142 from Cairo.

According to Civil Aviation Authority spokesperson, Ervine Strydom, EgyptAir flight E142 experienced engine failure as a result of “hundreds of chewy, fruity Jelly Tots that got sucked into its jet engines”.

The flight, which was carrying a number of ex-policemen on their way home from private security work in Iraq, crashed into an abandoned mine dump. The widow of one of the victims of the crash was distraught that her husband had survived work in Iraq “only to be killed by some fucking Jelly Tots”.

The manufacturer of Jelly Tots, Nestle’, denied any responsibility for the strange occurrence.


Reader Remarks

Sometimes readers miss the whole satire / fake news / this is not serious vibe and feel moved enough to write to us.  Of course, others just have good things, or real constructive criticism to give.  See it all here.

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