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MELVILLE, JOHANNESBURG - "Britney [Spears] is still hot, but I'd go for Christina [Aguilera] any day." This is the sentiment aired by prepubescent boys on the playgrounds of Johannesburg schools this week. "I used to think Britney was the hottest, but ever since the 'Dirrty' video, Christina has been way hotter", said Mike Goldberg, 12, of Mellville High. This feeling was echoed enthusiastically by his adolescent friends.

BioSlim Releases BioSmart

BioSlim, the company famous for its weight-loss product, is to release a new product that is predicted to take consumers by storm – BioSmart. According to the company the new product will increase the intelligence of those who use it. CEO Andrew ‘Tiny’ Atkins called the new product “a world first”, and described it as “Viagra for the brain”.  Read More>>

Jesus Loves The Little Children

Hello, my name is Luke. I’m 11 years old. My mommy and daddy named me after Dr Luke, one of the apostles in the Bible. I have a baby brother called Matthew and a little sister called Deborah. Matthew is also called after an apostle in the Bible. But not Deborah. Only boys can be apostles, so she is named after a woman from the Bible instead. I want to tell you about the best year of my life so far.
Read More >>

Scorpions Staff Killed by Scorpion

PRETORIA - Five office staff members from the elite ‘Scorpions’ crime-fighting unit were killed by their pet scorpion, Scorpio, at their head office on Thursday. A stand-in for the usual Scorpions spokesperson (who was also killed in the incident) blamed the cleaning staff for knocking over the lid that kept Scorpio in his tank. ”Bloody maids!”

It is alleged that once free, Scorpio stung the five office staffers on the ankle before anybody realised it was not the Thurday lunchtime bunny-chow that was laying everybody low. Anarchy then apparently reigned until operatives of the unit destroyed Scorpio in a hail of gunfire from their Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine guns. The two office goldfish, Mac and Mo, were also killed when a stray bullet smashed into their bowl.

Home Affairs to Screen American Tourists

PRETORIA – A spokesperson for the Department of Home Affairs announced today that it is considering implementing a program to screen American tourists coming into the country. The spokesperson said that the department considered the tourists to be a danger to the country because of the attention they get from Islamic terror groups. “We have seen that wherever Americans go the terrorists try to blow them up.”

Home Affairs is considering two options for US tourists. The first, more extreme option, will entail turning them away at all ports of entry; however, this plan is not likely sit well with the local tourist industry. The second option will see American tourists being issued “Visitor cards” upon entry to the country. The cards will then be used to make sure that “there is a small enough number of Americans at any major tourist attraction to make it an insignificant target for terrorists.”

The spokesperson said the department did not foresee too many complaints from Americans since they themselves have a very active screening process in their own country, and “most of them are willing to part with a few civil liberties after 9/11”.