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the sjambok - South African Satire

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A sort of monthly dose of humour.

Not for under 18's or the easily offended!

South African Satire

Issue 18,  April 2005   [Subscribe]



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Dan Brown Eyes Next Novel

danS.jpg (2862 bytes)NEW YORK - Following the immense success of his first two novels, 'Angels and Demons' and 'The Da Vinci Code', Dan Brown is set to continue the catholic conspiracy saga with another novel, 'The Papal Diaries'.

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R.E.M. Poser Caught Out

stipesS.jpg (3600 bytes)JOHANNESBURG - A man posing as a 'hardcore' R.E.M. supporter was exposed as a poser at Thursday night's Johannesburg concert when he sang the words to "It's the end of the world as we know it" during the band's performance of "Wanderlust".

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Agony Recce

Confused about life? Relationship or career not working out?   At the sjambok we offer real South Afican advice by real South Africans. In this case, our Recce Commando will help you out - just mail him at agony@sjambok.co.za.   We will answer as many questions as possible right here.  (For those of you who don't know, a recce commando is a South African soldier much like a navy seal or SAS commando, only better)

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Other Articles

Scientists To Probe Radio Call Show Stupidity Phenomenon

DURBAN – Cognitive science researchers at the University of KwaZulu-Natal (UKZN) are to embark on a groundbreaking study to determine the cause of the “mass stupidity phenomenon” shown by callers to radio shows who constantly have to be reminded to turn their radio volume down.

“We are really quite intrigued by this phenomenon”, said Dr David Zulu, chief researcher at UKZN’s cognitive science unit. “For a long time now, in fact for years, many of us have noticed that every time we listen to a radio show, people phone in and have to be told to turn their radios down. Yet, people never learn to do it. It’s like there’s some mental block to this concept. In the trade we call it a ‘mass stupidity phenomenon’. We intend to get to the root of this particular one.”

Zulu is part of a team that is working with leading psychiatrist Dr Bonga Chiliza, who has super-specialised in treating radio disc jockeys who suffer the broadcasting studio equivalent of road rage as a result of these calls.

“It is quite remarkable the strong emotions these stupid callers bring out of the disc jockeys. Many of my patients admit to thoughts as extreme as disemboweling callers and smashing their heads in with a telephone handsets. Obviously this kind of rage needs to be managed and minimized in whatever way”, said Chiliza.

Zulu believes the phenomenon is not a uniquely South African problem and has a strong suspicion it may be linked to other mass stupidity phenomena experienced the world over, such as believing whatever one reads on e-mail.

Results from the research, sponsored by the SABC and independent radio stations nationwide, are expected as early as August.

Green Scorpion Arrests Red Scorpion

PRETORIA – In a twist of fate yesterday a member of the newly constituted ‘Green Scorpions’ environmental crime-fighting unit arrested a counterpart in the more established, general crime-fighting ‘Red Scorpions’.

“I was on patrol just outside the Pretoria CBD when I see the white Polo pull up at a robot. The oak inside sommer just throws his can of Coke out the window! I mean, jislaaik, in this day and age?” said inspector JJ Fourie of the ‘Green Scorpions’, “so I race through the red light - ‘cos we can you know, we have those special powers too – and block his car from escaping. Then I pulled out my pistol and told him to freeze, which he did. I then explained to him who I was and read him his rights. He wasn’t chuffed, hey! He kept telling me that he was a scorpion and I shouldn’t arrest him, but there are no exceptions when it comes to destroying the environment. Mother nature doesn’t care who you are, so neither do we.”

Inspector Ismail N Shaik, the ‘Red Scorpion’ arrested, had a differing account of events: “I was chilling at this robot, OK? Minding my own business, having a Coke and a smile, when this guy in a beige Land Rover brakes too late for the red robot and winds up right in front of my car. I got such a fright I dropped my can of Coke out the window. Next thing, he’s jumping out the car with a gun! For a second I thought it may have been a hijacker, but then I figured no self-respecting hijacker would use a .22 calibre pistol. I was gonna pull my 44 Magnum and just waste the mother-f…ur suspect, but I heard a voice inside me saying ‘hold me back, hold me back’. He’s lucky that voice held me back, otherwise he’d be dead now.”

A sjambok source in the Department of Justice indicated that there is much behind the scenes work being carried out to smoothen the relationships between the Red and Green Scorpions following the incident.

Reader Remarks

Sometimes readers miss the whole satire / fake news / this is not serious vibe and feel moved enough to write to us.  Of course, others just have good things, or real constructive criticism to give.  See it all here.

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