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South African Satire

Issue 16,  January 2005   [Subscribe]

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Study On Useless Research Pinpoints Self

researcherS.jpg (4068 bytes)JOHANNESBURG - A researcher from the University of Johannesburg (formerly RAU) has just published results of a study identifying the most useless research topics in South African Universities.

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Parliament To Ban White Speedos

speedoS.jpg (2918 bytes)PRETORIA – Parliament is expected to pass legislation banning the wearing of white Speedo or brief-like bathing costumes in public at its next sitting on Wednesday. The bill entitled “The White Speedo Act of 2005” is expected to be passed with almost unanimous support from all political parties with the exception of the Democratic Alliance.

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Gillman Dumps Girlfriend For Being "too irritating"

JOHANNESBURG - Radio celebrity and disc jockey, Mark Gillman, yesterday parted ways with girlfriend of five years, Tania M.G. Sawyer, citing her "high-pitched, whiny voice" as being a major factor in his decision to end the relationship.

"It basically starts in the morning", Gillman said at a news conference, "At about six a.m. the screeching starts. It's incessant, it's loud. It's annoying. And this at a time when most people are trying to sleep. Thankfully, I start work really early in the morning, so I generally miss most of it. But the ten, fifteen minutes that I do get is incredibly irritating. It's like waking up next to a philharmonic orchestra playing Tchaikovsky's first nail-on-blackboard concerto in A-flat nasal."

At first Gillman thought her nasal whine was an endearing feature of TMGS, "but it gets old, really, really, fast. To be honest, for the last few weeks, I've only really kept the relationship going because there's no one else to listen to. But recently she's being doing these 'characters' and speaking in even more grating and squeaky voices - I think she may be developing serious psychological problems".

When asked what his plans for the immediate future were, Gillman said, "I think I'll try something different. Basically I'm looking for a fat, Joburg type who doesn't know anything about music, talks about cycling without ever having got on a bike, and makes inane jokes about traffic. It's a long shot, I know, and I'm not terribly optimistic about that relationship lasting either, but I'm willing to try anything right now."

 

Visionary Predicts "five-bladed" Razors In Distant Future

CAPE TOWN - Visionary and futurist, Simon Kemp, has astounded locals with his outlandish and fantastic predictions about life in 2030, in his new book, `Life in 2030'.

"Life will be almost unrecognisable from what it is today," Kemp told a press gathering at the launch of his book, "For those of us still alive, we can expect technology to have advanced beyond what we can only dream of today. For instance, I think it will be fairly common for men to be shaving with five-bladed razors."

Kemp backs up his ridiculous assertions by pointing at history. "Fifty, even twenty years ago, we only had the single blade razor. Life was basically abject misery for all men. Then technology advanced to the point where we could put two blades next to each other. For a long time that seemed to signal the limit of razorblade technology, but that paradigm was smashed with the introduction of the triple blade in 1997 and now the four-bladed razor this year. Scientists are now saying that that is the pinnacle, that four blades is the absolute expression of razor-bladedness, but I don't see how why in ten, twenty years from now, we can't have pent- or even sextuple bladed razors, for shaves undreamt of by today's standards."

Naysayers have dismissed Kemps claims as insane. "The law of diminishing marginal returns absolutely prohibits the development of such a thing [five-bladed razors]. The years of research and millions in investment necessary to place yet another sliver of metal onto a piece of plastic simply does not justify the marginal improvement in shaving closeness gained. It is simply preposterous".

Other, even more controversial visions of the future touted by Kemp include effervescent herbal toothpaste, tasty diet cola, the return of the hula-hoop, and working parking meters.



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