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On Useless Research Pinpoints Self
JOHANNESBURG - A researcher from the
University of Johannesburg (formerly RAU) has just published results of a study
identifying the most useless research topics in South African Universities.
Parliament To Ban White
PRETORIA Parliament is expected to pass
legislation banning the wearing of white Speedo or brief-like bathing costumes in public
at its next sitting on Wednesday. The bill entitled The White Speedo Act of
2005 is expected to be passed with almost unanimous support from all political
parties with the exception of the Democratic Alliance.
Gillman Dumps Girlfriend For Being "too
JOHANNESBURG - Radio celebrity and disc jockey, Mark Gillman, yesterday parted ways with
girlfriend of five years, Tania M.G. Sawyer, citing her "high-pitched, whiny
voice" as being a major factor in his decision to end the relationship.
"It basically starts in the morning", Gillman said at a news conference,
"At about six a.m. the screeching starts. It's incessant, it's loud. It's annoying.
And this at a time when most people are trying to sleep. Thankfully, I start work really
early in the morning, so I generally miss most of it. But the ten, fifteen minutes that I
do get is incredibly irritating. It's like waking up next to a philharmonic orchestra
playing Tchaikovsky's first nail-on-blackboard concerto in A-flat nasal."
At first Gillman thought her nasal whine was an endearing feature of TMGS, "but it
gets old, really, really, fast. To be honest, for the last few weeks, I've only really
kept the relationship going because there's no one else to listen to. But recently she's
being doing these 'characters' and speaking in even more grating and squeaky voices - I
think she may be developing serious psychological problems".
When asked what his plans for the immediate future were, Gillman said, "I think I'll
try something different. Basically I'm looking for a fat, Joburg type who doesn't know
anything about music, talks about cycling without ever having got on a bike, and makes
inane jokes about traffic. It's a long shot, I know, and I'm not terribly optimistic about
that relationship lasting either, but I'm willing to try anything right now."
Visionary Predicts "five-bladed" Razors In
CAPE TOWN - Visionary and futurist, Simon Kemp, has astounded locals with his outlandish
and fantastic predictions about life in 2030, in his new book, `Life in 2030'.
"Life will be almost unrecognisable from what it is today," Kemp told a press
gathering at the launch of his book, "For those of us still alive, we can expect
technology to have advanced beyond what we can only dream of today. For instance, I think
it will be fairly common for men to be shaving with five-bladed razors."
Kemp backs up his ridiculous assertions by pointing at history. "Fifty, even twenty
years ago, we only had the single blade razor. Life was basically abject misery for all
men. Then technology advanced to the point where we could put two blades next to each
other. For a long time that seemed to signal the limit of razorblade technology, but that
paradigm was smashed with the introduction of the triple blade in 1997 and now the
four-bladed razor this year. Scientists are now saying that that is the pinnacle, that
four blades is the absolute expression of razor-bladedness, but I don't see how why in
ten, twenty years from now, we can't have pent- or even sextuple bladed razors, for shaves
undreamt of by today's standards."
Naysayers have dismissed Kemps claims as insane. "The law of diminishing marginal
returns absolutely prohibits the development of such a thing [five-bladed razors]. The
years of research and millions in investment necessary to place yet another sliver of
metal onto a piece of plastic simply does not justify the marginal improvement in shaving
closeness gained. It is simply preposterous".
Other, even more controversial visions of the future touted by Kemp include effervescent
herbal toothpaste, tasty diet cola, the return of the hula-hoop, and working parking