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the sjambok - South African Satire

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A sort of monthly dose of humour.

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South African Satire

Issue 15,  October 2004   [Subscribe]

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MDC Youth League Punks Mugabe

mugabeS.jpg (2950 bytes)HARARE, ZIMBABWE – The Movement For Democratic Change (MDC) Youth League, together with MTV’s hit series Punk’d, succeeded in fooling Zimbabwe’s aging president Robert Mugabe into believing his country was being invaded by US and British forces on Wednesday.

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New Study Links Breathing and Lung Cancer

profS.jpg (2373 bytes)DELFT, THE NETHERLANDS – In what is possibly the most shocking scientific discovery this century, researchers at the Delft Institute of Technology today published the results of a study looking at the link between breathing and lung cancer.

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C-Max Prison To Be Replaced by C-Max Plus Prison

PRETORIA - The Department Of Correctional Services announced the upgrading of South Africa's maximum-security prison, known as C-Max, to a new higher-than-maximum security prison called C-Max Plus.

The upgrade comes in light of the second attempted breakout by armed prisoners at the C-Max prison within the space of a year. Correctional Services Minister Ngconde Balfour announced the move yesterday, less than a week after the latest incident.

"Actually this had been in the pipeline for some time", said Balfour. "It's terrible that the last shooting had to happen just before we put in place a system to make sure that our prisoners never get their hands on guns."

"The new C-Max Plus prison will be even more state of the art than the C-Max prison. In fact, you would be lucky to smuggle a peashooter into a C-Max Plus prison. And not only will it be hard to get stuff into the prison, prisoners won't even be able to THINK about breaking out - you see we have hired trained psychologists to observe every prisoner's body language via CCTV throughout the day. We call it project Bigger Brother. Our research has shown that prisoners who think of breaking out of jail often act differently, and, let's face it, our warders are clearly not trained to detect this, especially those who give the prisoners guns."

The C-Max Plus prison will be officially opened on the 12th of December.

 

Fake Marriage Victim To Take Half

DURBAN - Angela Duffy, a victim of the now infamous fake marriage immigration scam, has adopted a novel approach to her predicament. She has decided to take her revenge against the Pakistani man who 'married' her by NOT challenging the legality of the marriage. Instead, she has decided to divorce the man and claim half of everything he owns. In her case, the man known as Farouk Omar, happens to be the owner of a thriving cellular phone outlet in Johannesburg.

"When I found out I just wanted get my hands on him and ring his neck till his eyes rolled into the back of his head", said a defiant sounding Duffy. "But then I thought that I would hit him where it hurts - in the pocket."

Duffy has already instituted legal proceedings against Omar, placing him in the awkward position of either admitting he obtained his citizenship fraudulently and losing everything, or accepting Duffy's divorce papers and ceding half of his assets to her.

Omar refused to speak about the specifics of his pending divorce when contacted, except to say that "this sort of thing is typical of women who don't know their place."

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