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South African Satire

Issue 11,  May 2004   [Subscribe]

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Archeologists Discover Reason For Pyramids

pyramidsS.jpg (2519 bytes)GIZA, EGYPT – British archeologists working at the pyramids in Giza made a breakthrough when they discovered a stone tablet explaining in explicit detail the pharaohs’ reasons for building the pyramids. “It’s all just a big practical joke!” said Prof. Michael Pearce. “As it turns out, the pharaohs wanted a practical joke that would last millennia and please the hitherto unknown god of jokes, Ha”..
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Van Schalkwyk Releases Pop Album

vswykS.jpg (3880 bytes)CAPE TOWN - New National Party Leader Marthinus "Kortbroek" van Schalkwyk announced at a press conference Monday that he would be releasing a new CD entitled ‘Koel Kortbroek Treffers (Vol 1)’.   

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Isrealis And Palestinians Kill Each Other Again

MIDDLE EAST – the sjambok Middle East correspondent reported that Israelis and Palestinians continued to kill each other this week. Despite higher than average casualty figures on both sides, neither side has shown any drop in morale.

In revenge of a revenge of a revenge of a revenge attack, some Palestinians killed some Israeli soldiers and innocent civilians. Sources indicated that the assailants hoped that by killing the Israelis, they would force the State of Israel into recognizing their claims to land, independence, human rights etc.

Israel swiftly rejected their claims by launching raids into Palestine in revenge of the revenge attack. During the raids the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) killed some armed Palestinians, as well as some innocent civilians. A spokesperson for the IDF said that they hoped that this time would be special, and the Palestinians would stop attacking them in future.

Our Middle East correspondent, however, reported his sources indicated the region would experience a severe case of déjà vu, again.


Man Wishes He Had Made His Move

JOHANESSBURG – Alan McCall described his extreme disappointment at not having made a move on a gorgeous blonde he had been watching for over two hours on Saturday night. McCall’s hopes of making the blonde’s acquaintance were dashed when another man beat him to it.

“I saw her as soon as I entered the bar. Man, she was hot! You know, the kind of chick you see in FHM. I didn’t want to approach her straight away – I thought that if I had a few drinks first, I would come off a little smoother when I talked to her. Anyway, I just kinda got stuck looking at her. I kept telling myself I would go up to her just now.”

McCall had apparently just got off his bar stool to make his way towards the blonde when another bar patron got to her first.

“You know I was about to make my move and this heavy, rugby player-looking guy walked right up to her and starting chatting her up. Anyway, she must have been a total slut, ‘cos half an hour later she was pulling into him like he was the last man on Earth – I was so disappointed. Maybe, if I’m lucky I’ll see her there again and I’ll be boozed already.”




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