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South African Satire

Issue 10,  May 2004   [Subscribe]



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Refinery Chiefs Invite Environmentalists Over For A Smoke

refineryS.jpg (3808 bytes)DURBAN – The managers of Durban’s two oil refineries invited environmental groups in Durban to the SAPREF oil refinery to smoke the proverbial peace pipe – in this case a hubbly-bubbly attached to one of the refinery’s smokestacks. The invitation was aimed at smoothing over relations with environmentalists and the local community. At the same time, the managers also hoped to prove that refinery emissions are not as toxic as generally believed.
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Prostitutes Excited At World Cup

prostS.jpg (2423 bytes)CAPE TOWN – Prostitutes across the country have expressed their delight at South Africa’s successful bid to host the soccer World Cup in 2010. “We are going to make sure the players aren’t the only ones who score”, said Angel, a local prostitute. Along with tourism and other sectors of the economy, the prostitution industry is set to make massive profits with the influx of foreign soccer fans.   Read More>>

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Telkom Wins Monopoly Advertising Award

PRETORIA – “Thank you very much, I just want to say: Telkom rules!!” These were the words of Telkom Chief Marketing Officer, Andre Van Zyl, when he accepted the Lourie advertising award for ‘Best Advertisement By A Monopoly’.

Telkom is the sole provider of most telecommunications services in South Africa, and is also the major shareholder of cellular phone service provider, Vodacom.

“We at Telkom’s marketing department have striven hard to come up with a series of advertisements that make the public aware of the crucial role we play in the country, and why they should be grateful for us”, said Van Zyl at a press briefing after the awards. “Look, obviously we downplay the fact that people have no other choice. I mean we are a monopoly, but that’s the brilliant part of our ad campaign – the fact that we’re a monopoly means people have to be even more grateful for us, because if weren’t there, there’d be nobody. So our ads have even more punch.”

When questioned, most consumer rights advocacy groups said they weren’t quite sure if Telkom understood that the award was in fact not altogether complimentary

Foreign Affairs Hires SABC Talk Show Hosts

JOHANNESBURG – The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has hired numerous SABC talk show hosts to teach diplomats the fine art of asking agreeable questions.

Diplomats have caused the ministry much trouble and embarrassment in the recent past as a result of asking foreign diplomats difficult questions at social events.

A spokesperson for Foreign Affairs said they had noticed that studio guests being asked questions by SABC TV presenters always answered in the affirmative.

“We realised that teaching our diplomats that skill would be a worthwhile exercise in the long run. Like the SABC presenters and talk show hosts, we often meet important people who like to have their egos stroked, and, from our observations, nobody does this better than the SABC.”

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