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the sjambok - South African Satire

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South African Satire

Issue 1,  March 2004   [Subscribe]



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Health Minister Spearheads Cabbage Patch Kid AIDS Research

cabbagebirthS.jpg (3724 bytes)JOHANNESBURG - Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang today launched a revolutionary new research program aimed at preventing mother-to-child HIV transmission. The new program brings together the minister’s non-conventional use of herbal intervention in HIV, as well as state-of-the-art genetic research. It will put South Africa in the forefront of human genetic experimentation and the fight against AIDS. The Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) and various religious groups have condemned the program as both risky and immoral.

The new research program will attempt to transplant the fetuses of HIV-infected mothers into specially engineered cabbages. The program, known as the Cabbage Patch Kid Program, will make use of certain species of African cabbage that are said to have potent anti-retroviral powers
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IFP Election Rally Leaves Supporter Disappointed

ULUNDI – Inkhatha Freedom Party supporter Moses Mkhize reportedly left a recent IFP election rally “none the better” after not being able to understand a single word during party leader Mangosotho Buthelezi’s speech. Mkhize said he was especially disappointed since he had endured a two-hour bus ride in an overcrowded bus “just to see the Honourable Doctor Nkosi Buthelezi.”
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Free State Traffic Cops Declare Zero Tolerance on Small Bribes

BETHLEHEM – Officers of the Road Traffic Inspectorate (RTI) in the small town of Bethlehem in the Free Sate have declared a policy of Zero Tolerance on small bribes. Speaking at their monthly meeting at the local pub, officers expressed dismay and sadness at the small bribes they had been receiving. “I is gatvol with the bribes we is getting these days. Sometime I can’t even buy a bottle of Klippies with that money!” explained officer Johan Pretorius.
The officers said that bribes made up an integral part of their income, and that without it some of them could not pay their bar tabs or DSTV subscriptions. “We is now going to do Zero Tolerance for the cheapskates. Especially those okes in BMW’s. If its not enough, we will double their fines. We shall show them they can’t vok with the Bethlehem RTI”, said Pretorius.

Local girl regains self-respect after one-night stand

DURBAN – Local girl Melissa Pillay has reportedly overcome her feelings of guilt and shame after a one-night stand on Saturday. “Afterwards I felt guilty about it because it’s just not something good Indian girls are supposed to do. I know some of my girl friends will look down on me now but I don’t care. Half of them are sluts anyway. Just ‘cos nobody knows about their escapades doesn’t make them all innocent”, said an indignant Pillay.
Pillay said that after a few drinks “it just kinda happened” and that she had not planned it. She said that after doing her Gender Studies tutorial she realised that it was important for women to be sexually liberated, and she didn’t feel that bad about it. “In fact”, said Pillay, “I can see myself doing it again, but not like on a regular basis, and not where everyone knows me.”


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