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South African Satire

Issue 10,  May 2004

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Refinery Chiefs Invite Environmentalists Over For A  Smoke

DURBAN – The managers of Durban’s two oil refineries invited environmental groups in Durban to the SAPREF oil refinery to smoke the proverbial peace pipe – in this case a hubbly-bubbly attached to one of the refinery’s smokestacks. The invitation was aimed at smoothing over relations with environmentalists and the local community. At the same time, the managers also hoped to prove that refinery emissions are not as toxic as generally believed.

“We are quite committed to a healthy environment and to good relations with neighbouring communities, especially after the last few chemical spills. We hope our invitation demonstrates this. We think the smokestack hubbly-bubbly is a wonderful way to show residents of nearby areas and the bunny-hug…I mean environmentalists what we put out there isn’t that bad. Benzene shmenzene! I’ve been smoking the hubbly-bubbly for quite some time now and I’m fit as a fiddle”, said Bernard Keeler, manager of Engen’s refinery in the area.

Isaac Addison, manager of the SAPREF refinery, said that he had decided to join forces with his Engen counterpart to help clean up the image of the oil refinery industry in Durban.

“With the formation of the South Durban Community Environmental Alliance I realised that it was important that the refineries also put up a united front. After all, we have both been at the receiving end of some pretty bad luck, what with all the spills, accidental emissions and fires of late”, said Addison.

Addison also explained the need to educate the public about the perceived pollution threat from the refineries.

“A lot of people think that the refineries are the main cause of the increased levels of things like asthma and cancer in the area, but our studies show this isn’t so. In fact, a recent study we commissioned showed that house-dust was responsible for the high levels of asthma. So we need to educate people about the importance of proper house-dusting.”

Environmentalist Robert Poke, who has been at the forefront of efforts to get the refineries to clean up their act, rejected the offer out of hand.

“Are they kidding?! There’s no way I’m going to smoke anything coming out of that refinery. I mean, don’t they know that any kind of smoking is bad for the environment, not to mention our lungs! If they are serious about improving relations they can start by meeting international pollutions standards for oil refineries.”

Despite Poke’s objections, the meeting is reportedly still going ahead as planned.

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