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South African Satire

Issue 19,  June 2005

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Dr Rath Health Foundation Makes New Scientific Leap

PRETORIA – The Rath Foundation made a scientific breakthrough recently after it released results of its latest study into the use of Rath Multi-vitamins to cure amputees. Matthias Rath, the head of the foundation, announced that clinical trials at the foundation’s state-of-the-art secret mountain hideaway and laboratory had proven that Rath Multivitamins cured sufferers of full and partial amputations in 67.2% of all cases.

rath.gif (43293 bytes)Rath, who has found himself embroiled in controversy after his claim that anti-retroviral drugs were not as effective as his own Rath Multi-vitamins in treating HIV sufferers, stated that he was seeking backing from the Department of Health to have his multi-vitamins made part of the treatment protocol for all amputation patients at state hospitals.

“Following on from the research methods we pioneered when we conducted multi-vitamin trials on fairies and tokoloshes suffering from AIDS, we decided to tackle the problem of limb-regeneration, an area in which the evil giant pharmaceutical companies have not been able to make much progress. Our trials were conducted on Easter bunnies and starfish. Marketing scientists at our secret headquarters then employed leading-edge statistical techniques to extrapolate these results to humans.”

Rath pointed out that amputees were particularly common in sub-Saharan Africa due to the extensive use of anti-personnel mines during the wars in the region. The Rath Foundation, he said, hoped to “alleviate the suffering of these people by providing a low-cost solution to their problem”. He added that this would also have the positive “knock-on effect” of growing the financial position of the foundation, which in turn would allow them to help even more sufferers of “a whole host of other diseases which we know multi-vitamins can cure, but haven’t proven yet”.

A spokesperson for the Minister of Health said that the minister had been approached by Rath and would be making a statement on the matter in the near future.

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