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South African Satire

Issue 4,  April 2004

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Local Psychic Predicts Own Death

ROSETTENVILLE, JOHANNESBURG - "I'm going to get my money back, or die trying". These were the prophetic last words of Eric Martins of Rosettenville, Johannesburg on Tuesday, when he was run over by the 33B bus when trying to return a pair of sneakers to his local Edgars.

According to his stunned wife, Jane, Martins was convinced that he was being ripped-off by the clothing chain, "He bought a pair of Nike running shoes last month. Eric was always a keen runner. He noticed a torn seam on one of the shoes after he went running in them, but when he tried to return them the first time, the store said they couldn't accept them because they were 'worn'".

pscyhAcc.jpg (21244 bytes)Mrs. Martins felt that something was wrong when Eric uttered his prophetic words.

"He usually says, 'I'm going to get my money back if it's the last thing I do', but yesterday he said '...or die trying' instead. It was so unlike him. I immediately felt that something bad was going to happen. I urged him to forget about the shoes, but he insisted on trying to return them again".

When asked whether Martins had displayed any prescient abilities in the past, his wife said that in retrospect there were many comments that now came across as bizarre.

"Just last week, he said he's never going to eat at McDonalds again. He used to love McDonalds, but the last time, they forgot to put ketchup on his Big Mac. Now his prediction has come true. It's just too freaky".

Other Nostradamus-like predictions from Martins include the Springboks not winning the World Cup, the petrol price increasing, and the next-door-neighbour's kid getting bitten by the dog when he jumped over the wall to retrieve an errant cricket ball.

While Mrs. Martins affirms that nothing will replace her husband, she feels that his hitherto unknown prophetic abilities should be put to use by buying lottery tickets using his five favourite numbers.

"He used to sit in front of the TV every Saturday afternoon screaming, 8 to 9 to 10 to 12, skip to 14. Those numbers must mean something. I never gave it any thought before, but now I know he was psychic, they must be the winning lotto numbers, ne?"

This correspondent has a prediction of his own: That no member of the Martins family of Rosettenville, Johannesburg will ever win a Nobel Prize.

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