Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 7, April 2004
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Palestinians, Israelis Compare Kill Ratios
GAZA – Operatives from Hamas, al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Shin Bet
and the Israeli Defence Force met in an Internet chat-room on Tuesday in a secret meeting
to compare the guilty-innocent kill ratios of their respective operations. The meeting
came about when Hamas leaders engaged the Israeli authorities in an anonymous e-mail
debate over who had killed more innocent people.
Sources indicated that the historic meeting in cyberspace was the result of a low-priority
psychological warfare operation mounted by the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade against the Israeli
security forces. The operation entailed al-Aqsa sending e-mails taunting and insulting the
Israelis from various anonymous Yahoo and Hotmail accounts. This soon escalated into a
heated political debate. Hamas members joined the debate once they heard that they could
insult the Israeli security forces directly.
Shin Bet, Israel’s counter-terrorism
organisation, suggested meeting “face-to-face and man-to-man” to decide once and
for all who had killed more innocent civilians. Hamas operatives, however, declined for
fear of being destroyed by helicopter missile strikes on the way to such a meeting. The
Israeli Defence Force members were also reluctant to meet with the militant Palestinians,
as they were worried the meeting held too much potential for a suicide-bombing plot.
The central argument put forward by the Palestinian side was that all Israelis were guilty
by virtue of the fact that they were Israeli, and that the only innocent people killed in
their attacks were their own suicide bombers, and any friendly Arab or non-US foreigners.
This definition, they said put their guilty-innocent kill ratio at approximately 26:1, or
26 guilty people killed for every innocent one.
The Palestinian debate was unsurprisingly rejected out-of-hand by the Israelis. They
maintained that civilians, especially babies and children, must surely be classified as
innocent. In that case, they said the Palestinian ratio was closer to 1:21, or one guilty
person killed for every 21 innocent ones, which, according to them was much worse than
their own 1:9 ratio for assassinations and general operations.
The meeting, though historic in itself, reached no conclusion as to the debate. Instead,
it came to an abrupt end with the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade participant calling the Israelis
“infidel swine” who were destined to die painful deaths here and suffer eternal
damnation in the hereafter. He then detonated a bomb attached to him, killing everyone at
the Israeli Internet Café he was in. Shortly after that Shin Bet traced the dial-up
connection being used by the Hamas participant and called in an air strike by an F-16. A
250 Kg bomb was dropped destroying the small apartment block and all its inhabitants.
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