Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 14, August 2004
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Man Fails To Score Despite Being Irresistible
JOHANNESBURG - Joe Derrick of Bedfordview, Johannesburg yesterday expressed shock and dismay at his failure to make intimate contact with any member of the opposite sex despite being blatantly irresistible.
"It was bizarre, like something out of
the Twilight Zone or something. I went to Sutra [a local nightclub] with a few mates
wearing my lucky shirt and cK One. Initially things were a bit slow but after a few beers,
I could really feel my magic beginning to work. Every woman in the place wanted me. But
somehow, I managed to come home empty handed".
Derrick ascribed his failure to 'score' to being 'too attractive'
combined with shyness.
"Despite my obvious looks, I'm surprisingly shy and tend to wait for women to speak
to me first. Usually that would be a problem, but I'm lucky in that I'm attractive enough
that women come talk to me. Usually. I think that last night, I may have overdone the sex
appeal a bit. I mean my hair was gelled, I had showered before going out, I had even
brushed my teeth. I was probably just too good-looking to the point of being intimidating.
I mean, four or five times a stunning girl would walk right at me, with lust all over her
face, while I was chilling at the bar and then at the last second she'd chicken out and
'pretend' to order a drink instead. And then, while she's waiting for her order, my sheer
manliness would make her too shy to meet my knee-buckling gaze. ".
"Later on the dance floor, the same sort of thing happened. I'd see a group of two or
three girl dancing together and I'd go across and show off my foolproof guaranteed sexy
moves. But again, I had the sex-oozometer on too high and they just giggled nervously and
moved away. They were clearly impressed though; they often went to other friends and
pointed me out to them, and the whole group would start giggling nervously. I suppose I
should have cashed in at that point, but I was on such a roll, I thought, well, why limit
my options, you know? Fatal mistake in the end, and all those pretty girls' loss".
But Derrick said he's learnt from his mistakes and will adjust his strategy for tonight's
party agenda.
"I think I've got to act sooner when a
girl hits on me. I realise that my appeal can be a little overpowering. Like when she says
'Ooh, you're dancing too close, freak'. I mean, that's SUCH a line. Yeah, I'm freaky.
Freaky like a FOX! I should just pull in right there instead of playing the waiting game
by giving her some space and reeling her in like I usually do. Girls today like more
aggressive men. I have that on good authority. Those guys at FHM really know their stuff.
"Another example is when I'm hanging outside the girls bathroom. As a hottie walks
in, I usually say 'Hey baby. Need a hand in there?'. If she slaps you, she wants you.
Guaranteed. I mean, she's a lady. She doesn't want to seem like a slut by grabbing me in
front of everyone, right? It's just her way of making physical contact without being
overly obvious. I've just got to act on those killer instincts. I've got the charm. All I
need now is the follow through".
Derrick is 34 years old and still lives with his parents. He works at a local video store.
"I don't like to drop what I do for a
living too often. I mean, why show off? But sometimes, if I'm up against some resistance,
I'll let slip with a 'you know, I can get you any movie you want, for free'. It's a little
unfair, but sometimes you have to bring out the big guns, especially if there's some loser
banker or engineer guy trying to muscle in on my chick. Engineers are the worst. Those
guys are so lame. They have NO clue. I feel sorry for them sometimes but hey, it's a tough
world".
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