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South African Satire

Issue 6,  April 2004

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Vote Counting Joke Leads To Homicide

CAPE TOWN – An innocent joke by a bored junior Independent Electoral Commission (IEC) volunteer led to a vicious homicide on Election Day. IEC volunteer, Cameron James, known for his jovial spirit and practical jokes, pushed his colleagues too far when he constantly shouted out random numbers during the vote count, forcing them to re-count three times.

“We spent the whole day in that small classroom and everybody just wanted to finish the counting and go home”, said Audrey Ntombela, the IEC Electoral Officer for the voting station. “But this kid would just start shouting out random numbers until everyone lost track of where they were. It was about one in the morning when he tried for the fourth time, and everyone pretty much just snapped.”

Police spokesperson, Balan Naidu, said that a case of murder had been opened, as well as one of electoral crime, since ballot papers had been used to kill James. “It was one of the most gruesome killings I’ve seen in my years. The deceased died of asphyxiation from having three election ballots stuffed into his mouth, and one in each nostril. There were ballot papers inserted elsewhere, but these probably didn’t contribute to his death.”

Ntombela indicated that everyone present at the voting station, including policemen and party agents, took part in the murder.

“I think most of us regret destroying the votes of people who waited hours in the queues, but I can say with certainty that none of us feel bad about killing that little bastard”, said an unrepentant Ntombela. “He pushed us beyond human limits.”

James is survived by his parents and a younger sister. His father, Alan James, told the sjambok that James had always been fond of practical jokes but had sometimes gone overboard. He’d been told that his son’s last words were the ones he was best known for: “Jislaaik ous, I was jus’ joking.”

The investigation is ongoing.

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