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South African Satire

Issue 3,  March 2004

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God Apologises for Apartheid

CAPE TOWN – Speaking from the top of Table Mountain in a rare appearance earlier today, God apologised to the nation for Apartheid and about 300 years of racial discrimination.

A group of local and foreign tourists that were visiting the mountain at the time were left in shock, some quite literally, at the site of The Almighty appearing on the mountain. He descended on a chariot of massive thunderclouds and lightning bolts.

It is reported, however, that most Capetonians did not realize what was happening. Some dismissed the event as weird weather on the mountain, while most others were simply not alert enough to notice.

gmount.jpg (13410 bytes)God said that He decided to manifest Himself in a physical form ahead of His planned Second Coming because He wanted South Africans to know how truly sorry He was. He said that Table Mountain was the natural choice, since it overlooked the city where the first colonists landed, and it was in keeping with “the whole mountain tradition.”

“I know a lot of you are wondering how I managed to let this whole racial mess go on for so long. Well, I give you my word as your Lord and Creator that it was all due to poor administrative policy by those in charge of the prayer call centre”, said God.

“At the time the Dutch said their first prayer, we had a first-come first-serve policy on opposing prayers. That, coupled with our policy of dealing with heathen prayers later, resulted in the indigenous South African’s prayers only being heard some time later. It was only after the first non-white converts started praying for the return of their land and slaughtered relatives that we realised what was going on. And then it was too late. We had already started helping the whites.”

“After the Red Indian genocide incident in America I had asked some of the angels and saints to review the prayer call centre policy, but now I realise that they obviously need more supervision.”

“In any case, I told Jesus to sort it out. It was his idea to plant the realisation into FW De Klerk’s mind that Apartheid was wrong. He did quite a good job. The image of De Klerk waking up that morning and realising that Apartheid was in fact a crime against humanity is still shown on some of the entertainment channels in Heaven. Besides, he does have a funny head, especially if you’re looking from above.”

The Almighty went on to say that He was glad that the Dutch Reformed Church was changing its ways since “a lot of their flock have trouble adjusting to the non-racialism in Heaven.” He said that black angels and the fact Jesus looked more like an Arab than a Swede seemed to trouble them the most.

God said in conclusion: “Now that we have installed the latest version of SAP software in our systems, the communication between Myself and everyone else up there will be vastly improved. This will never happen again, so help Me….urrr…Me.” Whereupon He ascended to Heaven in His chariot.

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