South African Satire
Issue 17, February 2005
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Tokyo Sexwale To Launch 'Formula T' Racing
“It’s about time we brought to the fore the undeniable driving skills of South African minibus taxi drivers”, said Sexwale, “Taxi drivers have been marginalized for too long now. I hope to show South Africa, indeed the world, that our minibus taxi drivers have skills that Formula One drivers should be afraid of.”
Sexwale indicated that he has secured SuperSport coverage
of the build up to the launch, and of the regular racing season itself.“Initially, we will hold trials at Kyalami. Drivers will be timed over three laps that will include picking up and dropping off 50 passengers at designated spots along the course. Only the top 20 drivers will be selected. In order to compete, drivers will have to provide proof that they are in fact taxi drivers – most likely a photograph of them with their taxi. We decided not to make drivers licenses and public driver permits pre-requisites, because, let’s face it, we might be excluding some of the best talent out there.”
“Once we’ve selected the drivers we’ll have our first race in Johannesburg. We won’t be using any pre-existing routes because we don’t want to give any drivers an unfair advantage. Instead, we will randomly choose two points on a map of Joburg and drivers may use any route they want to get their passengers from point A to point B in the least amount of time. We will end the season in a Le Mans-style race between Joburg and Durban that takes place non-stop over two days during the Christmas holidays. Unlike Le Mans, each driver will drive his taxi continuously, without stopping or sleeping during the two days”
“Thanks to SuperSport there will be cameras in each taxi to monitor compliance with the rules. Pit stops or maintenance by anyone other than the driver will not be allowed. Drivers are encouraged to improvise their way around any vehicle malfunctions they may encounter in a race. In fact, we won’t be allowing any kind of mechanical maintenance between races either. Keeping your taxi together is one of the skills of being a top driver. Drivers can of course add sound systems or decals of their choice to their taxis. Other than that, there aren’t any rules.”
‘Formula T’ has, however, already come under fire from, amongst others, Arrive Alive, COSATU and the DA.
A spokesperson for Arrive Alive denounced the new racing format as “glorifying the reckless and sometimes suicidal driving tactics of minibus drivers in this country”, while COSATU accused Sexwale of “exploiting poor taxi drivers in order to make the black economic elite even richer”.
DA leader Tony Leon said that he was worried that there are too few white minibus drivers in South Africa, and that ‘Formula T’ would only serve to highlight “the absence of white participation in this sector of the economy.”
During an impromptu press conference Sexwale was asked by a sjambok reporter why he had named the racing format after himself, to which he replied: “The ‘T’ is for taxi. Now get out of my house, before I have you arrested, you little bastard.”
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