Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 5, April 2004
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Deceased Al-Qaida Suicide Bombers Hijack John Edwards Show
Recordings of the episode Edwards was filming showed him talking to an unidentified elderly woman from Oklahoma, and seemingly making progress, when the surprising turn of events occurred:
“Okay…I’m getting something, someone whose name starts with ‘A’. Wait…’Al’. Does the name ‘Al’ have any significance for you?” asked Edwards.
“Yes! Yes! My brother Al committed suicide last year”
replied the woman.“That’s right. I’m definitely getting a suicide vibe here. Was your brother’s surname ‘Qaida’ ? ‘Al Qaida’ ? Wait a minute! Oh shit! It’s someone who used to be part of Al-Qaida!!” exclaimed the host. “Is there anyone from Al-Qaida here?”
At that point, most of the studio guests ran screaming from the studio. Edwards, however, continued unabated.
“Wow, it’s coming through quite clearly now. They’re saying: ‘Hey guys, where are the virgins?? I thought we were going to get 72 virgins each?’ Ok, ok, there’s another voice here too. Umm…it’s saying ‘Abdul, Abdul, you bastard! You said those civilians were innocent! You better get up here and sort this out. They aren’t letting us into Heaven.’”
“The first voice is back again. ‘Dammit! I just want my virgins! Osama, there’s not a single women in sight here! What’s going on? I knew I should’ve got laid before I did this.”
An undercover FBI agent that was part of the studio audience then stopped Edwards, arresting him under the Homeland Security Act. Edwards was later charged with aiding an enemy of the state. He was taken to an undisclosed location and was not allowed further access to the media, his lawyer or his family.
His lawyer, Jonnie Cochran, said that his client could not be held responsible since spirit communication was not an exact science, “just like DNA fingerprinting”. Cochran suggested that the terms of the Homeland Security Act be changed to include the special case of human-spirit interactions.
Comment from Al-Qaida was not available at the time of publication, though most experts predict that group will label Edwards a fraud and continue blowing up innocent civilians.
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