South African Satire
Issue 18, April 2005
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Dan Brown Eyes Next Novel
The Catholic Church is making headline news this week after the Pope's death, and Brown is looking to capitalise on that by releasing his next book within the next few days.
"My first two books only took a weekend to write", said Brown
at a press release Monday, "and most of that time I spent trying to work out how to
write an 'e' with a little squiggly line on top of it in Word. I expect to have the Diaries
out by lunchtime tomorrow".When asked about the plot for his new novel, Brown said, "Well, it's commonly believed that Pope [John Paul II's] last words were 'Amen', but in actual fact, they were 'Ah-men a friggin' large amount of pain here, give me the drugs you swine'. I have irrefutable proof of this - my butler's sister's brother-in-law is an orthodox Catholic from Columbia who's very plugged into the Vatican."
When asked whether this source was also used for the material in his first two novels, Brown insisted that he had "no comment."
'The Papal Diaries' is based on a top-secret batch of documents smuggled out of the Vatican just hours after the Pope's death. They are rumoured to be written in the Holy See's very own hand and detail the last few days of his life. Legend has it that any devout believer managing to obtain a scrap of the 'papal diaries' will have a place to scribble phone numbers on when taking messages.
Not only that, but having 'The Papal Diaries' released to the public at large would critically undermine the authority of the Catholic Church and possibly throw the world into an apocalyptic nuclear conflict. It's no surprise then that the high powers in the church will stop
at nothing to prevent this from happening. According to Brown, the 'Princes of the Church' (the top-tier of cardinals) have enlisted the help of the 'Princes of the Universe' (an immortal band of warriors) to recover the documents.
"This is all true", said Brown.
"I don't want to give it all away", Brown continued, "but there is a lot going on behind the closed doors at the Vatican that we were never meant to find out about and until now, were never going to".
Brown alleges that in the final few weeks of his life, the Pope asked some of his closest aides to calculate exactly how much goodness he had left 'in the bank' before he passed on. An alleged extract from the Diaries themselves goes (translated from Polish):
I'm pretty sure I've been better than your average schmo. Dominici tells me that I could probably have an orgy with 5 women (3 if they're not Catholic) and still be pretty confident of making it into heaven. I'm thinking about one blonde, a brunette and 3 redheads, those Irish have always been fiesty.
When asked whether he thought he'd be going to hell for this, Brown replied, "I don't believe in hell, although a book tour in Colorado is on the cards."
Brown's books should hit bookstores worldwide by next week.
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