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South African Satire

Issue 20,  April 2006

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Microsoft To Introduce DNA Registration

HOUSTON, TEXAS – In its latest move to stamp out rampant piracy of its ubiquitous operating system, Microsoft unveiled their new registration policy at a computer expo in Houston, Texas, on Monday.

Billed as BioNanoReg(R) Technology, this new method successfully merges two of the biggest buzzwords in hi-tech marketing, ensuring it's rapid and unquestioning acceptance by the consuming public.

gates.jpg (21860 bytes)"By taking a DNA fingerprint of our customers, we can more easily control, er, protect them from dangerous and malicious software", said Gates to an assembled press corps of some five thousand journalists from across the globe.

Currently, anyone purchasing a new copy of the Windows operating system is encouraged to register the software so that the customer has the humbling honour of having their Inbox graced by Microsoft marketing paraphernalia. They may also receive free fixes for parts of the software that never worked in the first place, but has already been paid for.

To register, the bright-eyed customer need only fill in a short, 325-page questionnaire, covering diverse and relevant topics such as your favourite colour, previous political affiliations, calorie intake for the past three weeks and a four-page essay entitled 'What I did on my last holiday'. This so that Microsoft can build a profile of their client base and continue to improve and tailor their products to their customers' needs. These profiles are also passed on to marketing companies so that the customer can receive notices of products they never knew existed but nevertheless desperately need.

Under the new system, however, the new customer is only required to post a scrap of tissue sample, such as an eyelash, or piece of dead skin to the software giant's headquarters in Vermont.

"We already have the technology to derive your entire personality and consumer profile from your DNA", said Gates, "And more you let us know about you, the more we can continue to dominate, er, serve you".

In fact, according to some sources, customers who send in a blood sample will qualify for "platinum" status and "receive a seat at the right hand of Gates at the eternal banqueting table". This is apparently in line with a touted Microsoft/Gates version of 'The Apprentice' called 'The Gates of Heaven'.

Gates vehemently denied that the DNA samples will be used to clone an army of Microsoft sales representatives.

In response to the comment that Linux users had been sending tissue samples to Gates for years already, he responded, "Bags filled with doody are not useful to us. But we have a contingency plan in place for the Linux community [expletive and maniacal laughter deleted]".


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