Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 2, March 2004
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Jesus Loves the Little Children
Hello, my name is Luke. I’m 11 years old. My mommy and daddy
named me after Dr Luke, one of the apostles in the Bible. I have a baby brother called
Matthew and a little sister called Deborah. Matthew is also called after an apostle in the
Bible. But not Deborah. Only boys can be apostles, so she is named after a woman from the
Bible instead. I want to tell you about the best year of my life so far.
I go to Jubilee Christian Academy. I was at Greenside Primary School
until Grade 4. I played cricket and soccer there. We don’t play games here at Jubilee
Christian Academy because we haven’t got any fields yet. My teacher at Greenside was
Mrs Wigget. She was very nice to me and she gave me a fossil shark’s tooth for my
birthday last year. Mommy and Daddy moved me to Jubilee Christian Academy at the beginning
of this year because our pastor, Uncle Charles, says that Christian children must go to
Christian schools so they can learn all about living a Christian life and to be safe from
secular humanism. I’m not really sure what secular humanism is. Maybe it has got
something to do with children who are rude and grown ups who don’t go to church.
Uncle Charles says that in the Bible it says that parents must teach their children. In
Bible times, parents did teach their children, but nowadays, parents have to work in shops
and stuff. Uncle Charles says that God says that parents can let other Christians teach
their children if they want. That is why our church has a school.
Jubilee Christian Academy started when I was in Sub B at Greenside. Our
pastor, Uncle Charles, is also a prophet and he told the people at the church that God had
told him to start a Christian school in the church hall. We all helped Uncle Charles make
the desks and stuff and then Uncle Charles said that God told him to make Aunty Doreen the
principal of the school. Aunty Doreen is Uncle Charles’s wife. She used to make cakes
and clothes at home for money. She doesn’t have to do that anymore, because God has
given her a good job as the boss of the school. Some other people came to be teachers, but
I forget some of their names. They didn’t stay for very long because they were not
really on fire for God.
Jubilee Christian Academy is not very big. We only have 3 classes. I’m in the class
with the Red door. The Red class is for the oldest children. The other two classes are
Blue class and Green class. When Matthew is six, he will come to Green class. That is the
class for the little kids who need to learn to read and write. Only when you can read and
write can you go up to Blue class. Uncle Charles’s children are too big for the
school, so they go to Greenside High school. Maxine, Uncle Charles’s daughter is
going to be a doctor one day. We are all praying that she will do well at her school
because God needs Christian doctors.
We are learning lots of stuff at school. In the Red class we sit in
offices and we work in our workbooks. All our books come from a church in America that God
has shown how to do proper Christian education for kids. We have to work in the books in
pencil. When you finish a book, you can mark it yourself. We get the answers from a
scoring station. If you get stuck, you can put up your Christian flag and then the teacher
helps you to do your work right. Uncle Charles says that this is the best way to learn.
Once we finish with our workbooks, we have to rub out all the pencil so that poor people
in Africa can use them after us. Uncle Charles says that the person who does the most
workbooks this year can go on a mission trip to Zambia. I would like to go and tell other
children in Africa about God, but I don’t think I will do the most workbooks. The Red
class has a new teacher and Uncle Charles is still showing her the way the books work.
Uncle Charles said we must slow down on our workbooks until Aunty Judy knows what to do.
I think Aunty Judy will be a good teacher. She looks kind. She
hasn’t given out any demerits yet. Aunty Cathy who was the Red class teacher until
last week, gave us lots of demerits. She said we need demerits to build character. David,
my best friend in the Red class is very naughty. He gets lots of demerits. He sometimes
even gets up without asking permission. When you get three demerits in a day, you have to
go for a conference with Uncle Charles. I had a bad day on Tuesday. I made a noise going
up the steps to the Red class and then I was caught talking in class. I asked Shireen, the
girl next to me to lend me a pencil. I had left mine at home. I got three demerits for all
of that so I had to go for a conference with Uncle Charles. Uncle Charles told me about my
sins and he said I must ask God to forgive me. Then he spanked me four times with the
paddle and then he prayed with me so that God would not be angry with me anymore. I got a
note to take home to show my daddy that Uncle Charles had given me some discipline. On the
note it said a verse from the Bible: “The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child
left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” Then it said how many spanks Uncle
Charles gave me with the paddle and there was a place where my daddy had to sign the note
and give it back to me so I could give to Uncle Charles the next day. Daddy signed the
note and told me I must say thank you to Uncle Charles when I give him back the note.
Uncle Charles is looking after my soul for me until I am old enough to do it myself.
I started my science workbook yesterday. It is very interesting reading
how God made science, and I found out that some of the stuff we did at Greenside was not
real science. Mrs Wigget told me that my fossil shark’s tooth was millions of years
old. My workbook says that the earth is only a few thousand years old and that all the
fossils of dinosaurs and stuff comes from the flood with Noah. I was a bit shocked that
Mrs Wigget had lied about how old the earth was. I think I’m better off here at
Jubilee Christian Academy. I know the people here won’t lie to the kids.
We learn lots from the Bible too. On every workbook there are verses
from the Bible that you have to learn off by heart. We have to pass a test on our Bible
verse before we can go on to a new workbook. The verses are sometimes difficult to learn
because they are in the kind of English that King James wrote. Last week I had to learn a
very hard one – Psalm 9 verse 16 “The Lord is known by the judgement which he
executeth: the wicked is snared in the work of his own hands…” I think it means
that God punishes bad people. I nearly failed the test because I got stuck after
executeth. Uncle Charles made me write the verse out a hundred times to help me learn it.
I know it now and that’s how I got to the new science workbook. I’m still not
much good at remembering Bible verses, so I don’t think I will get a chance to go to
the Christian Schools Jamboree in Johannesburg. At Jamboree, all the other Christians
schools that use these same workbooks from America get together and have fun. They have
church in the morning and after that they have competitions. There is a spelling
competition, a sums competition, a bible memory competition and a competition for choirs
who sing choruses and hymns. Some of the older children went to Jamboree last year. Uncle
Charles and Aunty Doreen drove them there in a kombi and they slept in a big tent.
We had revival in assembly on Monday. Uncle Charles said that the
anointing from God was very strong and that we would grieve the Holy Spirit if we had
class when he wanted to pour out revival fire on us. Some of the children fell under the
power of the spirit and some were crying. Aunty Doreen said she had a vision of angels.
Uncle Charles laid hands on us and prayed for all of us. I felt tingly shocks like
electricity in my arms and Uncle Charles said that God was doing a mighty work in me and
that I must set my sights on him alone. Uncle Charles then said that God said there was a
special anointing for healing available. I wasn’t sick, but I asked Uncle Charles to
pray for Uncle Teddy - my daddy’s brother. Uncle Teddy was in a car crash and he has
a sore back all the time. Uncle Charles said he would pray for Uncle Teddy but he was not
sure that Uncle Teddy had enough faith to get healing from God. Uncle Charles was right.
Uncle Teddy didn’t get better because he doesn’t have enough faith. He
doesn’t even come to church anymore. Daddy says Uncle Teddy is backslidden and that
he will stay sore until he makes right with God.
We got a library at school last week. Some people who are going as
missionaries to China gave us all their books. Most of the books are better for older
kids. When I’m a bit older, I’m sure I will enjoy reading some of them. There
was a book called the Big Book of Adventure For Boys that I wanted to read, but Aunty
Doreen said it must be thrown away. She said it encouraged people to do things that God
doesn’t like. She also threw away the Bart Simpson comics David Green brought to
school. David got a conference with Uncle Charles for bringing comics to school. Later, in
assembly, Uncle Charles told us that God said it was a big sin to waste money on comics
when people in Africa haven’t got Bibles to read. Uncle Charles made a good point, so
I have decided to throw away all my comics. The money I would spend on comics I will now
give to Uncle Charles so he can buy bibles to take to Zambia.
I am praying for God to show me what my ministry is. Uncle Charles said that it is very
important to find out what your ministry is. If you know what your ministry is, then you
can go straight into full time ministry when you finish at Jubilee Christian Academy. This
is much better, said Uncle Charles, than wasting time and money at college when you can
get straight out there and do God’s work. Uncle Charles says we don’t need
pieces of paper, we are in the end times and all that counts is getting out there and
doing God’s work. Uncle Charles told us in assembly that God told him that many boys
and girls from Jubilee Christian Academy will become missionaries. I was so glad when
Uncle Charles told us that. I want to be in full time ministry when I am old enough.
Uncle Charles is going to America soon, to tell people there about the work our church
does on the mission field. We were in church on Sunday when the elders stood up and asked
the church to give a big blessing so that Uncle Charles and Aunty Doreen could go to lots
of places in America to tell them about missions. I am so excited for Uncle Charles going
to America. He also says that he will be visiting Uncle Ron, the man whose church makes
the workbooks we use at Jubilee Christian Academy. Uncle Charles showed us a video of
Uncle Ron and his church. Uncle Ron talks in a funny way and his church is very big. It
even has a park. In the park is a big fountain and the water goes up and down in patterns.
Daddy says that Uncle Ron is a mighty man who is greatly blessed by God. Uncle Ron was
faithful in little things when he was young, so that is why God has given him so much. I
hope that God will also bless Uncle Charles like he blessed Uncle Ron. Daddy says that we
must not worry, God will bless Uncle Charles through us. Uncle Charles teaches us that God
says in the Bible that we must take our tithes to the storehouse. He warns us that in the
Bible it says that people who do not pay tithes are robbing God. He teaches us this every
Sunday so that we don’t forget it. I don’t want to rob from God, so I tithe my
pocket money. Mommy and daddy give me R5 every Saturday. I give them 50 cents to keep as
my tithe to God. Daddy also gives his tithe. He is very faithful. He puts his tithe in a
big white envelope with his name on. Mommy works full time for God. She answers the phone
for Uncle Charles and the school and makes Uncle Charles’s tea when he has visitors
and she orders our workbooks. She does not get money for her work, she gets discount on my
school fees. That’s why mommy does not have to give a tithe.
I have finished all I wanted to say. I have written this down in a writing book I got for
Christmas. I want to remember what it was like when I was a little kid. I am so lucky to
be where I am. I hope it stays like this always.
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