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South African Satire

Issue 8,  April 2004

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Swazi King Declares Himself Lord And Master Of All He Purveys

MBABANE – In a move described as the final death-knell to any hope of democracy in Swaziland, King Mswati III declared himself “Lord and Master of All I Purvey. This includes your wives, mothers, sisters and daughters. My penis will not be denied!”

Mswati, Africa’s last remaining absolute monarch, has once again brought his tiny land-locked kingdom to the fore by his antics. In the past he has made headlines by, amongst other things: forcibly marrying one of the teenage brides he regularly chooses at his annual reed dance; removing a high court judge, public prosecutor and speaker of parliament who didn’t share his opinion; banning sex in an attempt to control the AIDS epidemic; and, more recently, spending $14 million on palaces for his many wives in the face of country-wide poverty.

swazi.jpg (16155 bytes)Mswati said that he had grown tired of trying to appease the democracy movement in his country. “I am tired of pandering to the Western-democrat wanabees who have no respect for their culture. They are on my case all the time. I’ve just realised I don’t have to take this crap from anyone. This is MY country and I will rule it as I damn-well please.”

Palace insiders corroborate the King’s statement. An anonymous source said that Mswati had grown increasingly frustrated at attempts by his people and foreign governments to move Swaziland towards a more modern form of government. “I think, what the King is really worried about, is that once democracy takes over, he will not be able to take as many wives and have sex as often. He’s quite a horny guy, you know. I think he is just overreacting to that insecurity.”

The King’s statement will soon be made an official royal decree. Once the decree is in effect, all objects and people within the Kingdom will become the personal property of the King. In particular, the King may then, by right, demand sex from any female within the Kingdom, regardless of her marital status or age.

Reaction among ordinary Swazis has been extremely varied. Democracy activists and trade unionists expressed extreme surprise and anger, while other Swazis did not realise that they didn’t already belong to the King.

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