South African Satire
Issue 15, November 2004
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New Study Links Breathing and Lung Cancer
DELFT, THE NETHERLANDS – In what is possibly the most shocking
scientific discovery this century, researchers at the Delft Institute of Technology today
published the results of a study looking at the link between breathing and lung cancer.
Head of the Center for Cancer Research, Professor Gideon
Vanderlampt, announced that there was a 100% correlation between lung cancer victims and
incidences of breathing.
"This is extremely disturbing and disconcerting news," reported Prof. Gideon
Vanderlampt in-between holding his breath. "In biomedical research, a correlation
index of between 50 to 90% generally indicates good agreement, of course. But we found,
rather remarkably, that 100% of lung cancer patients breathed regularly throughout their
lives".
So, does breathing cause lung cancer?
"We cannot say for sure, of course", said Vanderlampt, "but the evidence
speaks for itself."
Vanderlampt refused to comment further, but his hand signals suggested that speaking made
him want to breath more, which he had given up as a bad habit after coming up with his
astounding findings. After a few minutes he promptly turned red and toppled over, where he
was pronounced dead some time later by a medical doctor.
A new study was immediately commissioned by one of Vanderlampt’s graduate students
into the link between NOT breathing and immediate and painful death.
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