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South African Satire

Issue 16,  January 2005

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Parliament To Ban White Speedos

PRETORIA – Parliament is expected to pass legislation banning the wearing of white Speedo or brief-like bathing costumes in public at its next sitting on Wednesday. The bill entitled “The White Speedo Act of 2005” is expected to be passed with almost unanimous support from all political parties with the exception of the Democratic Alliance.

speedo.jpg (14410 bytes)The Act, which has taken most political commentators by surprise, was hurriedly developed following a visit by the ANC Portfolio Committee on Tourism to the Clifton beaches over the December period. the sjambok’s sources indicate that the committee were so “profoundly disturbed” by the sight of so many men in small white Speedos that they set about drafting the legislation as soon as they returned to their hotel.

An ANC spokesperson referred questions on the reason for the Act to the Act’s preamble where it is clearly stated that the “purpose of the Act is to protect the constitutional right to dignity of those wearing white Speedos in public, as well as those who are forced to see them”.

While most political parties have thrown their support behind the pending law, the Democratic Alliance has labelled it as “yet another blatant attack on whites” and “a death-knell to the already declining white Speedo industry”.

DA leader Tony Leon was particularly livid at the new legislation: “What’s next? Are they going to ban white Jockeys too? I for one will be wearing my white Speedo proudly on Wednesday when they try and pass this through parliament.”

Meanwhile, the swimming costume manufacturer at the heart of the issue – Speedo – has not reacted negatively. “We will continue to produce them, as they can still be worn in private. In any event our research has shown people who have bought more than one pair of white Speedos in their lifetime, will continue to buy them”, said Ernest Hibbert, the head of Speedo’s Pubic Relations Department.

“It is a fact not well known outside the industry, but parliament accounts for most of our custom brief-type costume designs. We have sold numerous costumes to politicians. The ‘Umkhonto we Sizwe’ or ‘Spear of the Nation’ design we sold to the ANC leadership was one of the most popular to date”, said Hibbert.

Despite numerous efforts, the sjambok was not able to get any politicians currently serving in parliament to model their Speedos.

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