Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 12, May 2004
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Plumber Not Getting Laid Enough On The Job
DURBAN – Local plumber, Eric ‘The Pipe’ Templin,
complained yesterday that his job was not as sexually gratifying as he had been led to
believe. “I quit learning to be a mechanic because all the movies showed that being a
plumber was a sure-fire way of getting laid”, said Templin. “It turns out that
those movies really exaggerate that part of the job. Or maybe it’s just different in
America.”
Templin said after discovering that top plumbers earn much more than the average motor
mechanic, he began giving some thought to changing his future vocation. After renting
various DVD’s from the local Adult World video store Templin was convinced that being
a plumber was his calling in life.
“I think the movie that really swung my opinion was
‘Pipeworks IV’. I don’t know what it was about that guy, but every time he
called at a house and said ‘I’ve come to check your plumbing’, women just
wanted to sleep with him. I’ve tried that line here, but it just doesn’t work.
I’ve even perfected saying it like he does, but it doesn’t help”, said
Templin.
“I was quite keen on working in Umhlanga. There are so many hot young moms there
– you know, the ones with all the make-up and plastic surgery that drive around in
Beemers and always have lunch at restaurants. As it turns out, the only ones who’ve
slept with me are the ones with lots of make-up that need plastic surgery.”
Templin reported he had gone to extra-ordinary lengths to find job satisfaction. In recent
weeks he said he had: all his pants tailored to reveal “the crack of [his] ass”;
bought the latest and sexiest tool belt on the market; and “even grown sideburns like
that guy in Pipeworks”. All of this, he says, has been to no avail since he now
“gets some” more outside of office-hours from his girlfriend, than he does
during office-hours from clients.
Although he is fast reaching the end of his tether, Templin has one more card to play:
“If things continue to get worse I will move to Joburg. I’ve heard that in
Sandton and the Northern suburbs the women aren’t as afraid to have a little fun with
the plumber.”
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