Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 6, April 2004
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Gummi Bears No Longer Bouncing Here, There, Or Anywhere
GUMMI GLEN – The loveable bears whose high adventures were beyond
compare will no longer be fighting the forces of the evil Duke Igthorn of Drekmore.
Instead they will be battling their medical aid schemes for access to chronic medication
to treat the symptoms of many years of steroid abuse.
Although nobody knew it at the time, the potent performance enhancing elixir, Gummi Berry
Juice, has since been found to contain massive amounts of anabolic steroids.
Gummi Berry
Juice was initially developed to improve the otherwise vulnerable little bears’
chances of survival in the forest. It was intended for use in emergencies only; however,
many bears discovered it could be equally effective at improving their sex lives. This
resulted in most bears taking large overdoses.
“Sex for Gummi bears used to last for five minutes, tops”, said Sunni Gummi,
“but with Gummi Berry Juice it can go on for hours!”
The effect this has had on Gummi bears, besides the unpopularity they’ve gained from
keeping the other animals up at night, is a host of steroid related medical problems. In
male bears these include: shrinking of testicles, infertility, baldness, development of
breasts and increased risk for prostate cancer. Female bears have been affected by:
male-pattern baldness, changes in or cessation of the menstrual cycle, enlargement of the
clitoris and deepened voice.
The prospects for the bears do not look good. Most medical aid schemes are refusing to
cover the costs of the ‘juice-abuse’ because the bears exceeded the recommended
dosage in most cases, and were not using it for its intended purpose.
“We were prepared to support the bears financially in the past because we knew that
they were bearing the brunt of the war on terror. But we are not going to bank-roll their
multiple orgasms”, explained Thomas, a spokes-owl for the Combined Medical Schemes
Association.
“For years we kept them safe, surely we deserve some reward? It’s only fair. If
worst comes to worst, we will consider changing side to join Igthorn. Perhaps then we can
retain our lifestyle”, said Gusto Gummi.
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