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South African Satire

Issue 7,  April 2004

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New Study Finds Drugs "pretty fucking cool"

GRAHAMSTOWN - Flying in the face of conventional wisdom that drugs are bad, drugs kill and that only losers take drugs, a new study at Rhodes University has found that drugs are in fact, "pretty fucking cool". This came during a trial-run of extended marijuana smoking between chief researchers and participants of the study, Graeme Wilcox and Steven Naude.

"We were into our fourteenth hour of our saturated [marijuana] exposure experiment, when [Naude] suddenly said 'Man, this is some pretty fucking cool shit'. At that point we knew we had made a breakthrough," Wilcox said from a press conference Friday.

Wilcox and Naude, reported general feelings of exhilaration and well-being and in one case, being trapped inside a re-run of the eighties sit-com, `Family Ties'.

drugs.jpg (14193 bytes)"We really don't know why drugs had been touted as so bad in the past. We tried everything: marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, LSD, even a little mescaline. Not once did we have anything but positive feelings. The results were so astounding; we felt we had to repeat the experiments, you know, for scientific integrity. Every time the same. We have now done between twelve and two hundred repeat runs on every substance and are pretty sure of our claims."

Response to the study has been varied and strong. Rev. Gerhardus Steyn, professor emeritus of Theological Studies at Stellenbosch University says "There is no way that these findings are accurate, or even verifiable. The government has been stating quite categorically for years that taking drugs is foolish. The government has no reason to lie to its people and would never say anything unless they were absolutely convinced they were right, and had verified all their facts.”

"I am reasonably sure that these so-called feelings of exhilaration can be attributed completely to other, traditional stimuli that weren't taken into account, such as singing Abba songs, watching fishing on ESPN or masturbating with a vacuum cleaner."

However, Toby Watson, surfer and former narcotic researcher himself, confirmed the findings: "Dude, like I did similar experiments in my teens, and I can only agree with what those two [researchers] say."

If these results are correct, it could go a long way in explaining why drugs are so popular amongst the youth. "We've been asking ourselves for years, if drugs are so bad, why do so many kids try them more than once? It just doesn't make sense. For instance, you don't see people voluntarily hurling themselves into pits of raw sewerage, because we all know that that is a stupid thing to do. Until now, it was thought that drug-taking was equally as stupid, and yet you still find widespread use of narcotic substances," Naude explains.

However, embracing the idea that drugs actually make you feel good, and "damn fucking good" at that, and then all the previously unexplained behaviour falls into place.

"It all seems so obvious now," Wilcox concluded, "but I guess sometimes it takes being stoned out of your tree to see the world in a clear light."

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