South African Satire
Issue 17, February 2005
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Cryptic SMS Leaves Man In Dumps
CAPE TOWN - Michael Stevenson was left pondering the fate of his
relationship on Monday when his girlfriend, Samantha Nielson, apparently dumped him via
SMS.
"I was watching the cricket yesterday and got an SMS about halfway through the
Protea's innings. It must have been about the third over", Stevenson said.
"After reading it, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Also Mark Boucher had just
been run out which added to my emotional confusion."
The source of the uncertainty was the smiley, or emoticon
appended to the end of the message: "Mikey, its bn gr8. But we need dif thngs. Im
sorry. Its not u its me. Hope we can stl b frendz? :>"
"I thought I was a goner for sure. But during the lunch break (an hour later), I
started thinking about the smiley and the ambiguity that it introduced to the whole
message, and this gave me hope. Was she only joking? If she was, then it's quite a cruel
joke. But then it was one of those smileys with the `greater-than' sign rather than the
round bracket, indicating a harsher than usual level of humour and so my joke hypothesis
was supported.”
"Maybe she wanted to go shopping for feminine hygiene products. You don't get more
different needs in a relationship than tampons and say, Hustler magazine. I think its
sweet that she apologises for stuff that, technically you can't blame her for - that's
part and parcel of being a woman - no matter how disgusting it is. I was pretty sure that
I was on the right track - and after my fourth beer, I was convinced. To be honest, I
didn't give it much thought after that because the game started again, and I kinda got
side-tracked after we got a few early wickets".
Stevenson was reminded about the message again a few hours later when six o'clock rolled
by and no hot meal was forthcoming.
"Sam usually cooks supper by six, and we had lost the cricket by 5:30, so I was
pretty hungry, as you can imagine. I know that navigating the world of feminine hygiene
products is a frightening prospect, but I assume she's been doing that for years and I
would have thought she'd have been done by then. It made me wonder about the SMS
again".
His search for meaning turned to the final piece of the message.
"The last part confused me because it didn't match the rest of the message. What does
‘stil b’ mean, anyway? And is that something I'd want to do to my mates? The
evil smiley does come directly after that. Frankly it worries me a bit. Lately, she's been
reading all these books with titles like 'Be your own woman' and 'Independence - End
despondence'. I hope that she's not suggesting some sort of cultish orgy thing. You know
how women's hormones go all haywire this time of the month and they want to do all sorts
of freaky shit? Although, if her friend Audrey were to join in that wouldn't be too
bad".
It's been 24 hours now since Stevenson last heard from Ms. Nielson. His concern for her
absence abated after he found a tin of spaghetti and meatballs in the cupboard and is now
quite looking forward to having a threesome with Sam and Audrey. When the sjambok
left him, he was doing sets of push-ups to look "pumped for the ladies".
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