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South African Satire

Issue 2,  March 2004

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BioSlim releases BioSmart

CAPE TOWN - BioSlim, the company famous for its weight-loss product, is to release a new product that is predicted to take consumers by storm – BioSmart. According to the company the new product will increase the intelligence of those who use it. CEO Andrew ‘Tiny’ Atkins called the new product “a world first”, and described it as “Viagra for the brain”.

bioslim.gif (9504 bytes)Atkins spoke of the inspired meeting that brought about BioSmart: “Well, we were all just sitting there, thinking about what our next product should be. We already knew that everyone wanted to be slim, so, we asked ourselves, what else does everyone want? To be smart, obviously! We knew instantly we had a winner.”

Despite it’s claimed effect of actually increasing intelligence, BioSlim managed to keep its research and development expenditure down to less than R1 000. “Essentially all we did was take our patented placebo formula for BioSlim, add more caffeine, and include the words ‘To be taken as part of a balanced education’ on our packaging”, explained Cecil Lavender, head scientist and three-times winner of the National Home Economics Olympiad.

“The people who buy our stuff aren’t that smart”, said a candid Atkins, ”they still haven’t figured out that eating less is a far cheaper way to lose weight. I mean, if I appeared on the evening news and told the nation that BioSlim was mainly just highly compressed rice-paper, we would still sell it by the truckload. Why? Because people want to believe that it works. The facts don’t matter.” He added that his reference to rice paper was totally hypothetical.

Isabell Jones, the former consumer affairs activist, was involved in pseudo-clinical trials of the product at an early stage. “BioSmart has really worked for me,” proclaimed Jones. “It was thanks to BioSmart that I realised I could make more money doing infomercials for dodgy mail order items, than I could doing serious investigative journalism!”

BioSmart is expected on store shelves within the next week, and, according to BioSmart marketing, housewives can look forward to some exciting, sexy new infomercials and specials on the product.

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