Archived Article
South African Satire
Issue 2, March 2004
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BioSlim releases BioSmart
CAPE TOWN - BioSlim, the company famous for its weight-loss product,
is to release a new product that is predicted to take consumers by storm – BioSmart.
According to the company the new product will increase the intelligence of those who use
it. CEO Andrew ‘Tiny’ Atkins called the new product “a world first”,
and described it as “Viagra for the brain”.
Atkins spoke of the
inspired meeting that brought about BioSmart: “Well, we were all just sitting there,
thinking about what our next product should be. We already knew that everyone wanted to be
slim, so, we asked ourselves, what else does everyone want? To be smart, obviously! We
knew instantly we had a winner.”
Despite it’s claimed effect of actually increasing intelligence, BioSlim managed to
keep its research and development expenditure down to less than R1 000. “Essentially
all we did was take our patented placebo formula for BioSlim, add more caffeine, and
include the words ‘To be taken as part of a balanced education’ on our
packaging”, explained Cecil Lavender, head scientist and three-times winner of the
National Home Economics Olympiad.
“The people who buy our stuff aren’t that smart”, said a candid Atkins,
”they still haven’t figured out that eating less is a far cheaper way to lose
weight. I mean, if I appeared on the evening news and told the nation that BioSlim was
mainly just highly compressed rice-paper, we would still sell it by the truckload. Why?
Because people want to believe that it works. The facts don’t matter.”
He added that his reference to rice paper was totally hypothetical.
Isabell Jones, the former consumer affairs activist, was involved in pseudo-clinical
trials of the product at an early stage. “BioSmart has really worked for me,”
proclaimed Jones. “It was thanks to BioSmart that I realised I could make more money
doing infomercials for dodgy mail order items, than I could doing serious investigative
journalism!”
BioSmart is expected on store shelves within the next week, and, according to BioSmart
marketing, housewives can look forward to some exciting, sexy new infomercials and
specials on the product.
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