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South African Satire

Issue 5,  April 2004

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Anderson Executives Start Accounting School

NEW YORK - Disgraced executives of former consulting firm Arthur Anderson have turned their misfortune around and founded a new school of business ethics. The school, called the Arthur Anderson Institute of Accounting, will base its curriculum on what the executives term “Generally Unaccepted Accounting Practices” or GUAP.

Joseph Berardino, former CEO of Arthur Anderson, said that “by showing students everything they are not supposed to do, we teach them what they are allowed to do – this is the beauty of GUAP! If they are armed with knowledge of exactly what not to do, there is very little chance of them actually doing it, is there? Well, unless they know they won’t get caught.”

Berardino explained that the institute wished to rid the accounting profession of its stereotype as the home of boring, grey-suited individuals. He pointed to the institute’s motto – “The Home of Creative Accounting” – as evidence of this. “Most people think of accounting in terms of black and white. We will show that it is in fact a wonderful rainbow of variety.”

The institute is currently negotiating with former Parmalat executives in a bid to open a European campus where classes will be held in Italian. Parmalat founder and former CEO, Calisto Tanzi, is reportedly quite taken with the GUAP idea and with the prospect of working with the former Anderson executives.

The American campus lecturing staff will consist mainly of former Anderson executives, but will also include a large number or former Enron and WorldCom senior management.

Some prominent South Africans have also been offered professorships and guest lecturer positions. Alan Boesak will be professor of NGO and Charity Fund Management, while Tony Yengeni will be a guest lecturer in the Procurement Methodology course.

All attempts to get comments from the Big Four accounting firms, and other large corporates were met with derisive laughter and the subsequent sound of the phone being put down.

It is rumoured that several senior managers and executives in large companies and the civil service have plans to enroll. The institute’s automatic denial policy for any student-related enquiries has been thought to play a role in their decisions.

Berardino was unable to say when and if there were plans for a South African campus. “There are many other countries in Africa, and around the world, where there is simply much more raw creative accounting talent.”

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