South African Satire
Issue 18, April 2005
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R.E.M. Poser Caught Out
JOHANNESBURG - A man posing as a 'hardcore' R.E.M. supporter was
exposed as a poser at Thursday night's Johannesburg concert when he sang the words to
"It's the end of the world as we know it" during the band's performance of
"Wanderlust".
Aggrieved concertgoer and self-proclaimed R.E.M. 'nut', Gregory Simmonds, spoke to the
sjambok after the show. "Before the show starts, right, this guy pushes in front
of me and my girlfriend carrying about eight beers and spills an entire cup all over her.
This is irritating in itself, but is part and parcel of the whole rock concert experience,
I suppose. But this guy is tall, like six foot six, right? So now we can't see a damn
thing and I've waited my entire life to see these guys live. But I'm pretty tolerant when
it comes to true fans of R.E.M., and my impression was that he was a truly hardcore fan.
He had the R.E.M. World Tour t-shirt on and everything. He was also going on ad
nauseum about how the band kicks ass".
However, this impression started to fade as the concert got
underway. Simmonds' girlfriend notes, "I knew there was something amiss when he
started called for 'Losing my religion' in-between each song. Usually this would have been
fine, I mean, it's one of their best songs, but he didn't seem to realise that New
Porn were still on stage. Surely any true fan of R.E.M. could tell the difference
between the gorgeous Arno Carstens [former front-man of the Springbok Nude Girls]
and an emaciated Michael Stipes. And then when Gareth Cliff came on to introduce the band,
he started screaming 'Michael jou lekker ding'! It was truly bizarre".
"But the final straw was during Wanderlust", Simmonds said, "I
always appreciate it when the crowd sings along with the band – it displays true
fandom and lets them know that hey, we buy your stuff and really know your music.
But Christ, at least sing along to the right tune! During the chorus when the band
really kicked in, there's suddenly this droning 'end offa world as we knoweeeet'. I
mean, I'm stunned. I try and find the source of this noise and it's none other than
our beer-spilling, t-shirt-wearing friend! Now, I know the two songs have
essentially the same rhythm and chord structure, but that could be said for almost any
two R.E.M. songs. That's no excuse for getting it wrong. This guy was nothing but a
poser, trying to blend in with us true hardcore fans. To be perfectly frank, he had no
right to be in the Golden Circle. They should really have a screening process for this
kind of thing, or something".
This shocking realisation rippled through the crowd to the point where Stipes himself
stopped wriggling like a man trying to get a bee out of his shirt and started focusing on
singing, enunciating the lyrics slowly, loudly and clearly.
"You've got to admire the professionalism of the man [Stipes]. I'll bet anything all
he wanted to do was stop singing, walk over to the guy and yell 'you're singing the
wrong lyrics you dumb fuckwit', but the way he handled it, just kinda raising his
voice a little and making himself audible instead of just mumbling like he usually does,
is really inspiring."
R.E.M. rose to prominence in the late eighties after stringing together a series of
moderately successful albums under an independent label before truly breaking through with
"Automatic for the people" in 1992. Recently the band has received some
criticism for failing to reinvent itself to the extent that trans-Atlantic rivals U2 have,
particularly after the release of their twelfth album "Reveal", which was almost
universally snubbed as 'dull and uninteresting'.
Their latest offering, "Around the Sun" has had mixed reviews, but has generally
been regarded as a return to the style of "Automatic" in an attempt to recapture
the glory years of a decade ago.
Simmonds still maintains that the concert was worthwhile. "Sure I stink of beer.
Granted, I didn't see more than 30 seconds of the actual live show. Yes, you can't hear a
word that Stipes sings, but the atmosphere was amazing. Worth paying two months' salary?
Definitely. Oh yes, and seeing that drunk oaf being dragged out by six security guards and
beaten shitless after he tried to streak the stage? That was priceless."
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