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Agony Recce

'L Goddard' from somewhere writes:

Sir

I have recently got devorced [sic] and considering joining the military.

I know it might be a problem because I am white but I know I have what it
takes to be a great soldier one day and not sombody that is gender confused.

You should rather change your name to Mr Sjambok it will bring out your
better side.

the sjambok Recce responds:

Ok Goddard.

The first thing you will learn in the army is to respect your superiors.  Telling them what to call themselves is not on. 

I suspect the army may be a bit tough for you because you have issues with respect.  You say you are divorced, which means you can't command the respect of a woman.  How do you intend to become a great soldier then, and gain the respect of your fellow comrades?

No Goddard, I think you should join the Salvation Army.  The fact that you are white, shouldn't bother them either.

'Marco Polo' of Discover(y)ing Health writes:

Dear Aunty Agony,

I have come to the conclusion that you too, are battling with the commonalities of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PMS for the layman). Your advice indicates battle fatigue which may lead to the over-production of oestrogen which, in turn, may cause cessation of the function of your frontal lobes. This condition is normally presented by females at your age...gosh, by any oestrogen-producing female, for that matter!

How do you deal with this? Your health is our concern!

the sjambok Recce responds:

Well, I don't usually respond to letters that are not directly about other people's problems, but you obviously have a problem. I think it is what they call a  'gender issue' these days.  You see, I am not an 'Aunty', I am a Recce Commando.  Unlike in the movies where GI Janes' become special forces soldiers, there are no women in the Recces (and there probably never will be).  In fact, we had a special term for guys like you who looked at us like we were women - we called them morphies.  My suggestion to you is to speak to a psychiatrist and tell him you think you may be a morphy.  If you are religious, you may also want to ask forgiveness from Jesus, or whichever heathen god you pray to.

'Wife Worries' from Sea Point writes:

Mr Recce, I have this nagging suspicion that my wife is cheating on me.  She's come home twice now from a 'girl's night out' without her panties on, which she said she forgot to put on when she left.  Flowers have also been delivered to our house addressed to "my horny angel", but she says they must be for one of the neighbours.  Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she just dismisses me out of hand and calls me paranoid.

I really need to know if she's up to something.

the sjambok Recce responds:

OK.  This one is easy.  We had a similar case in Angola where we had this Cuban guy who didn't want to say anything.  You probably don't want to try all the things we did to him on your wife, but there is one trick that comes to mind.  It's a very humane way of making someone tell the truth and causes no physical harm - it's called sensory deprivation.  You need to blindfold your wife and put her in a dark, sound-proof room.  Also block her nose with a clothes peg.   Try speaking to her every three days or so.  If she doesn't tell the truth after a few times, increase the number of days to a week and so forth.

If she still doesn't talk after two months, then she has no respect for you and you should divorce her and get a younger, prettier wife.

'Living Large' from Pietermaritzburg writes:

I am 21 years old, am 1.6m tall and weigh 110kg.  Everyone is always making jokes about my weight.   Even my friends laugh at me.  I am becoming very insecure and depressed and don't even want to go outside anymore.

Please help.

the sjambok Recce responds:

You have two problems here.  The first is that you eat too much.  The second is that you are a sissy.

The first problem is easy to solve - eat less.

The second problem is harder.  This attitude of 'my friends laugh at me and I'm so sad' is just unacceptable.  Life is like combat - it's tough and very often it takes no prisoners.  You need to toughen up.  I suggest joining the army.  Otherwise, like in combat, you must learn to strike back harder.   The next time one of your friends laughs at you, punch him in the face.  Keep doing this till your friends stop laughing at you.

I hope this helps.

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