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Criminals Quit in Droves as SAPS Becomes SAPF

20/10/09

Malema Turns Medical Science on Its Head

6/10/09

Your Stars For This Month!

5/10/09

Proteas to Take First Aid Lessons

29/9/09

BioBust Company to Produce BioKnob

21/9/09

Kanye West’s Ego Now Biggest Threat to Planet

14/9/09

Black Still Calls Everything He Loves "Wedwo"

14/9/09

Canada Grants Asylum to Black South African

3/9/09

Nzimande’s BMW Security Threat Assessment Leaked

3/9/09
 

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Criminals Quit in Droves as SAPS Becomes SAPF

PRETORIA – Churches and lawyers around the country have reported that hundreds of criminals have turned up at their doorsteps in an effort to change their ways ahead of the planned merger of the South African Police Service (SAPS) and metropolitan police departments into a single police force.

Deputy Police Minister, Fikile Mbalula, recently announced that government would unify the SAPS with metropolitan police departments to create a unified police organization called the South African Police Force (SAPF).  The SAPF would be a paramilitary force that would use military rank and discipline amongst its members.  This announcement has apparently struck fear into the hearts of hardened criminals who have to date treated the SAPS with contempt.

Pastor Jerry Mbhele, who preaches at a small church in Soweto, told the sjambok that many criminals had approached him seeking forgiveness from God about their past crimes.  The prospect of a police force, as opposed to a police service, has reportedly struck the fear of God into their hearts.

“You know, these guys.  These guys have been coming to me asking me what they must do to get God to forgive them.  They say the idea of constables becoming privates and superintendents becoming colonels is too much to handle.  They want out now, before they have to deal with the colonel’s privates,” said Mbhele.

Joe (not his real name), a gangster from Soweto, said that he is comfortable with being on the run from “a service” but that the idea of being on the run from the same people now working for “a force” has changed his mindset completely.  He is now working on finding a way out of his gang and into a regular job.

Not all criminals, however, are as concerned about the changes.  Eric (also not his real name), a car hijacker and serial rapist from Pretoria, voiced a different opinion.

“This is just about Bheki Cele, Nathi Mthethwa and Fikile Mbalula trying to make themselves feel important.  The real question for us professional criminals is whether we will have to bribe police at the metro police scale, or at the old SAPS scale.  Personally, I’m hoping for the metro scale.”

the sjambok will continue to follow this story. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Malema Turns Medical Science on Its Head

LONDON – African National Congress Youth League (ANCYL) president, Julius Malema, has turned the world of medical science upside down.  Malema has forced doctors and medical scientists back to the drawing board in the wake of his revolutionary discovery that medical conditions without a Pedi name, do not exist.

Malema made his discovery after becoming embroiled in the saga surrounding South African athlete Caster Semenya.  In defending Leonard Chuene, self-confessed liar and president of Athletics South Africa, Malema remarked that the term ‘hermaphrodite’ had no Pedi equivalent, and therefore he did not recognize the existence of the condition.

This prompted medical scientists to examine the literature for other conditions that had no Pedi name.  The discovery has affected biological science at its most basic level after it was discovered that deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, had no Pedi counterpart.

“We were flummoxed,” said Professor Mark Barnard, Dean of Research at Cambridge University’s Medical School.

“We’re at a complete loss to explain so many things now.  We’re not even quite sure why DNA testing works either.  We’re just calling it the Malema Phenomenon.”

The Malema Phenomenon, which Prof. Barnard defines as “that mysterious essence and law of truth unto which all the other laws of life are beholden”, has now been used to explain numerous other medical anomalies previously thought to be bona fide conditions.

“There are so many mental conditions that have simply vanished.  We’re naming them Malemantal Conditions to distinguish them from the other Pedi-verified mental conditions,” said Prof Barnard.

Researchers at the University of Pretoria have also been quick to re-examine conventional medical thought following Malema’s revelation.  Dr Janus Liebenberg, of the university’s Microbiology Research Unit, stated that preliminary research indicated that viruses and bacteria do not have Pedi equivalents.

“We’re not quite sure what we’ve been looking at through our microscopes,” said Dr Liebenberg, “but we’ve decided to call them Malematjies until we figure it out.”

the sjambok secured a brief and exclusive interview with Sir Martin J. Evans, Nobel Prize winner for Medicine in 2007, who when asked about Malema’s discovery, stated that “I am in awe of this man [Malema] whose intellect shall be an object of marvel for generations to come.  Not just within the medical fraternity, but by all men who yearn to understand the limits of human intelligence.”

Although the sjambok attempted to interview Malema for his comments, our request for an interview was rejected by Malema on the basis that he did not recognize the online media since, as there was no Pedi word for ‘Internet’, an online publication could not exist. - The Nuisance Parameter

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Proteas to Take First Aid Lessons

PRETORIA – Cricket South Africa (CSA) President, Gerald Majola, has announced a partnership with the South African Red Cross Society (SARCS) for the national men’s team to undertake a first aid training course.  The unconventional partnership and training programme will be designed specifically to help the Proteas at major cricket tournaments.

Majola said the course is a reaction to the team’s recent loss to England and early exit from the ICC Champions Trophy.  It will focus primarily on the Heimlich manoeuvre, a technique used to help choke victims.

“We at Cricket SA have analysed our repeated losses in major tournaments, and realised that patting people on the back or the bum after choking just doesn’t help.  We needed a new approach and Janice, my secretary, just did a first aid course and suggested it.  The Heimlich manoeuvre is supposed to be quite effective”, said Majola.

A spokesperson for the SARCS told the sjambok that the SARCS was “quite surprised” at CSA’s unconventional request, but was eager to help since “disaster management is one of our core focus areas.”

SARCS will also assist bowlers in techniques to stop haemorrhaging after the Proteas’ bowlers haemorrhaged runs against England in a scene reminiscent of a medieval blood-letting ritual.

Fans that were interviewed soon after the press conference were ambivalent about CSA’s new plans.

Steven Kemp, a 20-year old student from Sandton, said that he did not think the plan would work because “the Proteas blow chunks anyway, at least at the big tournaments.”

Majola expects to see results from the course within three to six months.- The Nuisance Parameter

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BioBust Company to Produce BioKnob

JOHANNESBURG - Kenza Health, the company that manufactures BioBust, the revolutionary product that uses natural ingredients to increase the size of women’s breasts has announced yet another breakthrough product.  The new product, called ‘BioKnob’ also uses all natural ingredients to increase the size of penises.

Spokesperson, Mr B.S. Klaim, announced at a low-key launch on Friday that company herbalists had finally mastered the long sought-after formula to increase the size of the male organ.

“It was a long, hard struggle to develop and test the formula”, said Klaim, “after the team worked out how to make breasts larger and firmer we thought it wouldn’t be long before we could make penises bigger and stronger, but this was not the case.  In the end it was thanks to our new team member, Dr Bura from Lagos.  He suggested adding precisely the right quantity of banana and cucumber extract to the mix.”

The BioKnob product range, like its sister product, BioBust, will consist of two products – a tablet and a cream.  Klaim reported that in clinical-like trials of BioKnob, participants of the trial showed a strong bias towards the cream and Kenza Health expects to sell more BioKnob in cream form than tablet form.

A BioKnob clinical trial participant at the launch, who gave his name only as Richard, told reporters that during self evaluation he noticed gains both in length and diameter, with “even larger gains during evaluation by the nurses.”

“I was once shy to wear my Speedo at the beach, but now I wear it with pride!  My love life has improved too.  My girlfriend and I now make love on Wednesdays and not just on Saturdays anymore.  I think that must be why they call Wednesday a hump day,” said Richard.

Klaim indicated that Richard’s observation did not go unnoticed by Kenza Health’s markitecture department, who were working on targeting housewives who may wish to purchase BioKnob for their husbands. 

“We realize that this may be a touchy subject, even for the most forthright of couples, so we are now developing BioKnob in powder form as a food flavouring.  This will allow wives to add centrimeters to their husbands while adding flavour to their meals.” said Klaim.

Other exciting new developments on the horizon at Kenza Health include herbal cures for infidelity, bad luck and racism.- The Nuisance Parameter

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Kanye West’s Ego Now Biggest Threat to Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – Scientists at the North American Space Agency (NASA) have reported that Kanye West’s ego has usurped rogue asteroids and comets as the single biggest threat to the existence of the Earth.

Professor of Theoretical Physics, Isaac Lundall, explained that researchers had been unable to account for readings from NASA’s Gravity Probe B satellite in orbit around the Earth, until they correlated spikes in the readings with outbursts by Kanye West at awards ceremonies.

“We were at a complete loss to explain the readings.  Even so-called ‘dark matter’ did not account for the large gravitational field present around the Earth.  We had given up for the evening and were watching the MTV VMA awards.  When Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech we noticed the readings from the Gravity Probe B suddenly spike!” exclaimed Lundall.

Lundall was referring to the incident at MTV’s recent Video Music Awards in which West walked onto stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video, took the microphone from Swift, and proclaimed Beyonce’s video to be better.

The research team, headed by Lundall, compared the dates and times of West’s previous outbursts at awards ceremonies with readings from their satellite and were able to conclude that West was indeed the cause of the spikes in the recorded levels of gravity.

“It has become clear to us that Kanye West’s ego has grown to such large proportions that it has a gravitational field of its own.  Moreover, judging from measurements taken of this field, West’s ego is growing at an exponential rate,” explained Lundall.

It is predicted by Lundall and his team that it is only a matter of time before the gravitational force of West’s ego begins to change the orbit of the moon, potentially bringing it onto a collision course with the Earth.

Other scientists have made more dire predictions.  A spokesperson for the Indian Space Research Organisation said at a press conference that “Mr West’s ego will continue to grow to such an extent that it will collapse in on itself and develop into a black hole that is bigger even than his mouth.”

The discovery by NASA has even led to a medical breakthrough.  Dr Tyron Jones, who is studying Kanye West for his PhD in Proctology has reported that the discovery led him to prove that the ego was West’s “true essence”. 

“I can now generalize my work to conclude that the ego is the primary reason behind people becoming assholes,” said Jones.

Kanye West refused to grant the sjambok an interview since we could not provide a written guarantee of a readership of at least a million readers.- The Nuisance Parameter

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Black Still Calls Everything He Loves "Wedwo"

Jason Black was known across the country as the 'Wedwo Kid' after he shot to fame in a fishpaste commercial. His ice blue eyes, dimpled cheeks and adorable speech impediment made him the darling of South Africa. His face featured in magazines, on billboards, on TV; in fact, anywhere the product's marketing division could find advertising space.

As the preeminent preadolescent icon of his time, no door was closed to Black, unless the door handle was set unusually high. With unprecedented ratings approvals and a set of loose front teeth only adding to his cuteness factor, Black was set to enter the international playground of child stars. However, in 1988, disaster struck. Bovril saw a re-emergence in the sandwich spread market, while pulverised, salty fish entrails inexplicably lost out to long-time favorite marmalade in toast condiment consumer polls. Advertising budgets evaporated and Black joined the Black-Cat peanut butter kid (who ironically cast Theuns De Wit in the role) in the backwater of South African consciousness.

It's easy to forget that these icons of the past are real people and not just the idealised marketing figments merchandisers want us to believe they are. In a haze of eighties nostalgia, the sjambok caught up with Black in his downtown Bethlehem home to find out how the last twenty-three years have treated him.

the sjambok (TS): "Wow. Jason, Twenty-three years. Give us a thirty second highlights package of the life of Jason Black from 1986 to 2009."

Jason Black (JB): "Well, after I lost my TV gig, things weren't great. Kids would make fun of me at school, you know, after fishpaste became unpopular. They'd put the stuff in my PT shorts, stuff like that. It made my life hell. It was impossible to make friends smelling of anchovies all the time. I changed schools a couple of times, and eventually by high school, most people had forgotten about it and I could start trying to lead a normal life. But every six months or so, some smartass would make the connection, and it would start all over again. I think I must have gone to about 15 different high schools around the country."

TS: "That's awful. How did you cope?"
JB: "Well, the Wedwo helped."
TS: "The Wedwo?"
JB: "Yeah, it's been a lifesaver."
TS: "Really? Don't you find that a touch ironic?"
JB: "Why would I?"
TS: "Well, the product that was ultimately the cause of all the persecution at school also provided you with your only comfort. Don't you find that ironic?"
JB: "I'm not sure what you mean. Some guy saw me looking a bit messed up after school one day. He offered me some Wedwo, I tried it and I felt great. I've never looked back after that."
TS: "But wouldn't it be easier just to get that from the suppliers? You must have gotten tons of the stuff for free."
JB: "What!? All those assholes ever gave me was fucking fishpaste! If I'd a known I could've gotten Wedwo from them, I'd have a shitload more money to spend on Wedwos!"
TS: "Oh, I see. So by 'Wedwo', you mean..."
JB: "Wedwo! What the hell did you think I was talking about? And Wedwo. Sometimes I'll even do a bit of Wedwo if I can't get my Wedwo up. It really pisses off the Wedwos if you give them a soft Wedwo, you know?"
TS: "I think I do. Well thanks for talking to us, and all the best."
JB: "It's a pleasure. And, by the way, if you ever see that Wedwo chick at one of your journalism dos, tell her I'd like to Wedwo on her Wedwos.
TS: "Uh, will do." -Cayle Sharrock

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Canada Grants Asylum to Black South African

OTTAWA – The Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board has granted asylum to Brandon Sithole, a 31-year old black South African.  The board found that Sithole was a victim of persecution by lions on the basis of his race.

The chairperson of the board, William Davis, accepted evidence led by Sithole that he had been attacked numerous times by lions on account of his race and that the South African government had done little to protect black South Africans from falling prey to lions.

Sithole, a resident of Cape Town, told the board at his hearing that he had been attacked by lions six times and that during the attacks the lions had called him a “colonist” and a “black hyena”.

Davis fielded a number of questions from journalists at a press conference in Ottawa.  Asked about the reasonableness of Sithole’s claim to have encountered lions in Cape Town, Davis indicated it was “common knowledge” that lions were “apex predators” that roamed the streets of African cities “at will”.

“The issue of lions’ abilities to speak in English was raised by a board member, however, evidence of this ability is clearly demonstrated in The Lion King.  As a measure of thoroughness, we corroborated this by evidence from Madagascar : Escape to Africa.” said Davis.

Transcripts from the hearing show that Sithole admitted to not having reported a single incident of his race-based attacks by lions to the police or other authorities.  In a telephonic interview, Sithole told the sjambok that “they [the board] just took my word for it”.

“I also showed them a number of clippings I had collected from People and Heat magazines of black people being eaten by lions in the Kruger Park.  Does it matter if they were illegals from Mozambique?  No. The point is that lions attack mainly attack black people and the government does nothing to protect us from them,” said Sithole.

A spokesperson from the South African Department of International Relations and Co-operation said the board’s latest decision was “even more farcical” than the recent decision to grant Brandon Huntley asylum on the basis of alleged persecution from black South Africans.   The spokesperson added that it was not “entirely unexpected” given the board’s “in-depth knowledge of our country.” - The Nuisance Parameter

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Nzimande’s BMW Security Threat Assessment Leaked

PRETORIA – The security threat assessment used to justify the purchase of a R1.1 million BMW for Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, has been leaked onto the Internet.  The confidential threat assessment reveals shocking threats to Nzimande’s personal wellbeing.

News of the dangers facing Nzimande spread quickly on Saturday after the assessment was published on the website The Elite Communist.  The assessment provides vindication for the government’s decision to purchase the luxury vehicle as it shows that there are clear and present dangers to the minister from a variety of sources.

The three primary sources of danger were identified as Sith Lords from the Dark Side, Blade Runners from the future, and real communists from the fringes of society.

The Sith Lords, a reptilian race who are powerful exponents of the Dark Side of the Force, were listed as the primary threat to Nzimande.  Sith Lords have the power to control minds and the assessment cites a National Intelligence Agency report that a certain Sith Lord, Darth Viljoen, intends using this power on Nzimande.

Technical experts consulted by the sjambok have been unanimous that R500 000 BMWs simply do not have the engines required to power the anti-mind-control device required by Nzimande for his mental integrity.

The second threat to Nzimande, namely Blade Runners, are a special police unit from the future tasked with killing sophisticated robotic human clones known as ‘replicants’.  While the assessment does not state whether Nzimande is a replicant, it does state that the possibility that the Minister is a replicant “cannot be discounted and therefore all measures must be taken to protect him from Blade Runners.”

Again, technical experts were unanimous that the speed required to get away from Blade Runners, who may come in cars from the future, was simply unattainable in R750 000 BMWs.

The threat by real communists was also considered material to Nzimande since he is ostensibly working for a capitalist government. 

After a considerable search, the sjambok found only one real communist who wished to remain anonymous. 

“Sure, we don’t like Nzimande.  I can tell you that us real communists know that pretend communist leaders driving in R1.1 million BMWs does not look good for the image of real communism.  Real communist leaders represent the people, and the last time I checked, a million Rand BMW is not a people’s car,” the anonymous real communist commented.

A spokesperson for the Department of Higher Education stated that it was happy that the public knew the truth and would realize that it was not just wasting money by buying unnecessarily expensive cars.  The spokesperson did, however, express concern that the threat assessment was leaked and suspected Darth Viljoen to be behind it. - The Nuisance Parameter

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